Living Through Personal Crisis »

"The best all-purpose self-help book I have seen in years."
ANN LANDERS In this invaluable book, a noted professor of psychology explains how grief, as agonizing as it may be, is a natural response to life's tragedies that helps us along through anger and isolation to a lasting healing process. Professional yet compassionate, drawn from actual case histories as well as the author's own experience of living through personal crisis, it provides comforting guidance and practical day-to-day advice for those who suffer—and loved ones and friends who care.

Preface to the First Edition ix

Preface to the New Edition xiii

A Personal Note xv

Acknowledgments xvii

1 Not To Be Afraid 1

2 Things Will Never Be the Same 11

3 Feelings of Guilt and Self-Blame 19

Unrealistic Guilt 21

Realistic Guilt 25

Moving beyond Guilty Feelings 29

4 Physical Expressions of Loss 33

Anxiety 33

Aches and Pains 35

Appetite 36

Sleep 37

5 Anger and Bitterness Can Be a Good Sign 41

Anger 41

Childhood 43

Interrupted Life 46

Protest 47

Dealing with Anger 49

6 What One Gets Is What One Resists 55

Delayed Mourning 56

Please Don't Misunderstand 62

7 The Importance of Self-Caring Activities 68

Friends 69

Empathic Persons 71

Basic Care Providers 73

Destructive People 75

Sexual Needs 78

Avoiding Major Decisions 80

Anticipating Difficult Days and Dates 82

Expecting Unexpected Trouble 85

8 A Slow Readjustment Back to Life and Work 87

Time Away from Work 88

Daily Routines 89

The Awful Kindnesses of Others 92

9 Unusually Prolonged Grief 98

Atonement Themes 100

A Suffering "Script" 104

A Fateful Constellation of Events 107

Idealization 109

10 When Professional Help Is Needed 111

My Story 111

A Soldier's Story 113

A Childhood Loss 114

Too Much Crisis All at Once 115

A Traumatic Loss 116

Unspeakable Grief 119

Finding Professional Help 121

Sometimes Medication Is Needed 124

11 Time Does Heal - But There Are Always Scars 126

Following Loss - the Fear of More or Still Greater Loss 128

Reliving Old Losses 129

Delayed Happiness 131

Some Survival Defenses Become a Way of Life 132

Battle Stripes 134

12 Cue Points for Evaluating Your Own Healing Process 136

The Ability to Cope with Life 137

Symbols of Transition 138

Learning from the Loss 140

Moving Forward 142

Integrating the Loss 143

13 From out of the Ashes...New Life 146

Resurrection 148

What You Have Experienced Belongs to You 149

Life Is What It Is 152

14 Moving forward: Stories of Hope and Triumph 154

Tony: Triumph in the Aftermath of 9/11 155

Lynn: A Cluster of People Helped Her Triumph 160

Derek and Renée's Healing Journey 163

Appendix: Commonly Asked Questions about Crisis 172

Responding to Others 172

Helping a Bereaved Child 178

Why We Don't Cry 181

Loneliness 182

Nighttime Mourning 183

Denial 184

Suicidal Clues 185

Bitterness 186

Social Withdrawal 187

Prolonged Idealization 188

Abortion 189

Healthy Spirituality 191

Notes 193

For Further Reading 201

Index 203