Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage » (Bargain)

B. Janet Hibbs, Ph.D., is a psychologist and marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience. In addition to her private practice, Hibbs lectures at academic conferences and to other groups across the country. Dr. Hibbs has been married for more than twenty years and has two teenage children.

Karen J. Getzen, Ph.D. , is the author of Resilient Marriages. Dr. Getzen has been married for thirty-five years and has two adult children.

A deeply probing book that gets to the heart of what all healthy romantic relationships need: fairness.

Most couples enter a marriage hoping it can last forever. So, why are more and more relationships failing over time? As Dr. B. Janet Hibbs explains, poor communication skills or inherent differences between men and women are not solely to blame. The answer lies much deeper— the key to healthy, loving relationships is fairness. Without a sense of fairness, marriages fail.

Intuitively, we think we know what is “fair.” But as this book reveals, the way we each define “what's fair” is much more complex, and is powerfully shaped by our family expectations and experiences.

Fairness issues underlie everyday problems that become larger than life, such as: Why don't you ever help clean the house? Why don't you ask me how my day was anymore? Or, they can create family loyalty conflicts that sound like this: Why do you always let your mother tell you what to do? The “growing pains” in relationships— around money, children, and sex—all require the skills to negotiate what's fair.

Here, Dr. B. Janet Hibbs provides readers with a road map for recognizing imbalances and building a stronger, more loving relationship based on a new kind of fairness—one that they create with their partner. Filled with compassion, practical advice, and compelling, real-life examples throughout, this book offers a groundbreaking understanding of the root cause of conflicts that erode relationships. It is essential reading for therapists and all couples.

Introduction Why Being Fair Will Make Your Relationship Stronger 1

Pt. 1 Understanding Fairness

1 Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions 21

2 How Fair Are You?: A Questionnaire 44

3 Defining the New Fairness 52

4 Balancing Give-and-Take 88

5 The Baggage You Bring to Relationships 107

Pt. 2 Repairing Everyday Injustices and Breaches in Fairness

6 Family Loyalty Conflicts: The Ties That Bond and Bind 149

7 "Stupid" Fights: How the Relationship Survival Kit Helps Day-to-Day Unfairness 173

8 Money, Children, Chores, and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the Growing Pains of Love 202

9 Enduring Injustice: To the Brink, and Back to Fairness 242

10 Applying Your Fairness Toolbox 284

Appendix 289

Notes 181

Bibliography 300

Index 303