Is It Love or Is It Addiction? » (2ND)

Brenda is an internationally known author, highly trained psychologist, and accomplished speaker. She has appeared on Fox O'Reilly News, the Sally Jesse Raphael show and many other television and radio shows in the U.S. and Canada. Dr. Schaeffer has been featured in magazines such as Elle, New Woman, and Lotus. She is author of newly released and highly praised, Love's Way, The Union of Body, Ego, Soul and Spirit, the best seller, Is It Love or Is It Addiction?, Loving Me Loving You, Signs of Healthy Love, Signs of Addictive Love, Power Plays, Helping Yourself Out of Love Addiction. With over 500,000 of her publications in print and in five languages--English, Spanish, German, Portuguese, and Chinese--Brenda has already helped thousands of people understand the difference between love and love addiction. Drawing from years of personal, professional, and spiritual questioning, she offers expert advice, and fresh new perspectives as she convincingly addresses age-old questions about love. Speaking internationally on the subject, she has found that people everywhere are fervent in their search to learn more about how to make love relationships work. She unites a wide range of topics in her repertoire of presentations including bringing western psychology and various world philosophies into her work. Her style is direct and compassionate. She is a licensed psychologist, and a certified addictions specialist in sexual addiction. She holds a doctorate in Creation Spirituality from the University of Creation Spirituality in Oakland, California. She believes painful life events, including those in our love life, can be wake up calls and that therapy should be movement forward on our soul's journey. She also believes that the highest goal a therapist can have for a client is to instill in them that solutions to their problems lie within them and to pass on tools to guide people to those answers. Dr. Schaeffer is currently director of Healthy Relationships, Inc. in Minneapolis, Minnesota where she conducts therapy, training, and workshops. She has had expert training in hypnosis, trauma, developmental psychology, transactional analysis, gestalt, sexual addiction, soul-centered, existential, and transpersonal psychology.

With more than 250,000 copies in print, Is It Love or Is It Addiction? has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusions of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships. In this second edition, psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer draws on new developments in her practice, as well as a decade of feedback, to expand her original insights and advice. The result is a fresh perspective on intimacy and an invaluable practical guide to making relationships work.

Brenda Schaeffer conducts workshops on addictive relationships. She is the author of Loving Me, Loving You.

Preface xiii

Acknowledgments xv

Introduction 1

I The Reality of Addictive Love

1 The Power of Love 7

Healthy Love 7

Addiction 10

Addictive Love 13

Three Types of Addictive Love 14

Love and the Unconscious Mind 20

2 The Roots of Addictive Love 23

The Role of Biology 23

The Role of Culture 32

The Role of Technology 35

The Role of Spiritual Quests 37

Self-Actualization 38

The Role of Psychology 40

3 The Psychology of Addictive Love 43

A Psychological Understanding of Dependencies 43

The Child Within: Addictive Dependency 46

The Myths behind Addictive Love 47

Addictive Love as a Response to Trauma 50

II How Do I Love Thee?

4 Love Addiction 59

Identifying Love Addiction 60

Love Addiction and Health 61

Twenty Signs of Love Addiction 63

5 Power Plays 91

Power 91

The Beginnings of Power Plays 92

Twenty-Three Power Plays 93

Options 97

The Goal: Mutual Respect 98

6 Romance Addiction 101

Romantic Love 101

Romance Is Addicting 103

Emotional Affairs 104

Twenty Signs of Romance Addiction 104

7 Sex Addiction 129

Dark Eros 129

Sex as an Addiction 130

What Is Sexual Addiction? 131

Twenty Signs of Sexual Addiction/Compulsivity 133

Moving On 156

III Hope for Tomorrow

8 Healthy Belonging 159

Our Need for Others 159

Twenty Signs of Healthy Belonging 160

Power Sharing 181

9 From Addiction to Love 185

The Way Out 186

Out of Addiction and into Healthy Love: The Process 187

From Addiction to Healthy Love: A Story 196

Sometimes, We Need to Let Go 203

10 Helping Yourself Out of Addictive Love 209

The Self-Help Method 211

Awareness Exercise: Admitting That Addictive Love Plays a Role inYour Life 212

Assessment Exercises: Discovering the Extent of Your Addiction 212

Decision Exercises: Using Your Personal Power to Move Out of Addiction 219

Exploration Exercises: Examining Your Personal Fears, Myths, and Trauma History 222

Reprogramming Exercises: Letting Go of the Old, Embracing the New 227

Renewal Exercises: Moving toward Mature Love 234

Expansion Exercises: Developing Personal Uniqueness 247

Notes 251

Bibliography 257

Resources for Further Information 263

Resources for Support 265

Index 267

About the Author 275