How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It » (Reprint)

Patricia Love, Ed.D., is an acclaimed therapist and speaker and author of four books, including Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love. She has appeared on Oprah and Today and on CNN, and has contributed to many magazines, including Cosmopolitan and Self.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is a therapist who specializes in men’s issues and has appeared on Oprah in two highly rated shows on men and marriage. He is the author of You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One.

Men are right. The “relationship talk” does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:

Love is not about better communication.
It's about connection.

You'll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.

Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.

The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help.

Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?

Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

Acknowledgments     ix
Authors' Note     xi
Introduction: It's Not About Communication     1
Why it's been so hard to improve your relationship
How We Break the Connection: Fear and Shame     9
Why We Fight: The Reactivity of Fear and Shame     28
The Silent Male: What He's Thinking and Feeling     45
The Worst Thing a Woman Does to a Man: Shaming     65
The Worst Thing a Man Does to a Woman: Leaving Her Alone but Married     72
How Fear and Shame Lead to Infidelity, Separation, and Divorce     85
Using your fear and shame to create love beyond words
Your Core Values     97
Learning to Transform Fear and Shame in Your Relationship     107
Binocular Vision     118
The Natural Language of Binocular Vision: When Sex Talks, Who Needs Words?     142
The Only Connection Skill You Need: Stepping into the Puddle     157
If You Want Connection, Forget "Feelings," Think Motivation     168
Man to Man: How to Strengthen Your Relationship Without Becoming a Woman     183
The Power Love Formula: Four and Three-Quarter Minutes a Day to a Powerful Relationship     199
Conclusion: If You Want to Love Big, You Have to Think Small     211
Index     215