Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know »

Lori Hope, a cancer survivor herself, has produced more than 20 documentaries, winning dozens of awards including two Emmys. Currently managing editor of Bay Area BusinessWoman News, Hope has been published in Newsweek and broadcast on radio stations nationwide.

When we hear that someone close to us has been diagnosed with cancer, we want nothing more than to comfort them with words of hope, support, and love. But often what we say that is, if we even find the strength to reach out sounds disingenuous, condescending, or insufficient. With sensitive insights and thoughtful anecdotes, HELP ME LIVE provides a personal yet thoroughly researched account, including the author's own experiences with cancer and interviews and surveys with hundreds of others who have had this disease. Each chapter focuses on one of the 20 most important messages people with cancer want to convey, such as I need to forget and laugh ; Please ask permission; I want you to understand if I don't call you back or want to see you; and I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice. You'll learn that communicating effectively doesn't necessarily mean there's a right thing to say, but that you achieve the desired result: to make those who are ill feel better. In candid and beautifully detailed prose, HELP ME LIVE will help you find the words or gestures to show how much you care.

contents

acknowledgments - xi

preface - 1

introduction - 7

20 things people with cancer want you to know

1. "It's okay to say or do the 'wrong' thing." - 20
2. "I need to know you're here for me (and if you aren't, why not)." - 27
3. "I like to hear success stories, not horror stories." - 41
4. "I am terrified." - 50
5. "I need you to listen to me and let me cry." - 61
6. "Asking my permission can spare me pain." - 75
7. "I need to forget--and laugh." - 86
8. "I need to feel hope." - 95
9. "Telling me to think positively can make me feel worse." - 105
10. "I want you to trust my judgment and my treatment decisions." - 113
11. "I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice." - 119
12. "I am more than my cancer; treat me kindly, not differently." - 129
13. "I want you to help without my asking you to." - 137
14. "I like to be held in your thoughts or prayers." - 145
15. "My moods change day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you." - 151
16. "Hearing platitudes or what's good about cancer can trivialize
my feelings." - 156
17. "I don't know why I got cancer, and I don't want to hear
your theory." - 164
18. "I need you to understand if I don't return your call or want
to see you." - 171
19. "I want my caregiver to take good care of herself or himself." -180
20. "I don't know if I'm cured, and bringing up my health can bring
me down." - 190

afterword - 199

appendix - 201

I. The Survey - 202

II. Special Circumstances - 206

Soon after Diagnosis • During Treatment • Workplace Issues • Depression • Breast Cancer • Prostate Cancer • Lung Cancer • Rare Cancers • Children and Cancer • Gender Issues • Young Adults • Women in Their Childbearing Years • Parents with Cancer • Soon after Treatment • Long-Term Survivors • For Those of Faith • End-of-Life Issues

III. For Doctors and Other Health Care Providers Only - 228
IV. The Lists - 230

21 More Things People with Cancer Want You to Know • 15 Fabulous Things People Did for and Said to Cancer Patients • 12 Outrageous, Funny, or Awful Things Said to People with Cancer • Beware: 26 Common Words, Phrases, and Questions That Can Sting • 22 Things Most People with Cancer Like and Want to Hear • 20 Silly Movies for People with Cancer to See • 18 Things You Can Do (after Asking Permission, of Course) to Help Someone with Cancer • Instead of Saying That, You Might Say This

resources - 249

index -- 254