Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch » (Bargain)

Jim Norton is an official member of CBS and XM satellite radio's Opie and Anthony Show and is best known for his extremely raunchy brand of humor. He was a regular on both seasons of Comedy Central's Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, played the caustic Rich on HBO's Lucky Louie, and has starred in his own HBO comedy specials. He has also cohosted the AVN awards twice, and performed his stand-up all over the country, including on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman, and lives in New York City.

Jim Norton is a pervert in the truest sense of the word. The physical equivalent of a tall slug, he pays top dollar for massages with happy endings, and is fascinated by shitty sitcoms and fat girls. He is also, at times, racially offensive and morally repugnant. He spares no one in his comedy -- least of all himself.

Now, in this outrageous, blisteringly funny collection of essays, Norton tackles the topics that are near and dear to his heart: From public events like the legendary Voyeur Bus incident on the Opie and Anthony Show, which culminated in all involved being taken to jail, or seeking a hug from his childhood idol Gene Simmons, to deeply private moments, including a teenage Jim's embarrassing poetry-writing attempts while in rehab, his inexpensive sexual experience with an unwashed MILF (Monolith I'd Like to Forget), and being caught masturbating in the backseat while his friend was driving. His stories are raw,...

FOREWORD BY COLIN QUINN

FOREWORD BY COLIN QUINN: PART TWO

A TRULY PROFESSIONAL INTRODUCTION

HERE GOES NOTHING

RUMPLESTILTSKIN

THE MASSAGE

MORBID OBESITY

LAS VEGAS

SITCOMS

A ROAD STORY

I'M A POET AND DIDN'T KNOW IT

PINK EYE

COINS

THE BIG COLLECTION

BOO!

1987 LETTER I WROTE TO A GIRL I WAS DATING

JOE PESKY

ANOTHER SILLY SITCOM IDEA

PUMPKIN, A LOVE STORY

SLEEPY HEAD

36

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

THE BOB LEVY BENEFIT

THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE

MILF

LEGAL EAGLES

THE HOLLAND TUNNEL

THE DUMP WHISPERER

CURRENTLY IN BRAZIL

I'D LOVE TO LIVE IN RIO

TOUGH CROWD

COUCH POTATER

THE VOYEUR BUS

AN ENCHANTING EVENING

1986 NOTE I GOT FROM AN EX-GIRLFRIEND

"GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS" AND THE SEARCH FOR HAWKEYE

THE JACUZZI BLUES

DIRK

A DISASTER MOVIE! PART 1

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR FLORENTINE

YOU GELLIN'?

KONG

MONSTER RAIN

LITTLE MISS BIG NIPS

AN UNEVENTFUL, SHITTY NIGHT IN BOSTON

THE TWO-FOOT RULE

YUCK MOUTH

MEAN GENE THE HUGGING MACHINE

ROACHES FOR THE BEST MAN

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS