Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens »

Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington. A psychologist and mother of two, she writes and lectures widely on adolescence and family behavior. With Jennfier Wyatt, she co-wrote The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting Senior Year to College Life and The Seven Year Stretch: How families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence.

Wyatt is a writer and the mother of four. With Laura Kastner, she co-wrote The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting Senior Year to College Life and The Seven Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence.

Parenting a teenager is tougher than ever, but new brain research offers new insight into the best way to connect with teens. With humor, wisdom and a deep understanding of the teenaged brain, noted teen expert Dr. Laura Kastner shows parents how to stay calm and cool-headed while dealing with hot-button issues everything from rude attitude and lying to sex and substance use — with clear, easy-to-follow suggestions for setting limits while maintaining a close and loving relationship. Find out why Dr. T. Berry Brazelton calls Getting to Calm required reading for any parent who struggles with their teen!

Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington. A psychologist and mother of two, she writes and lectures widely on adolescence and family behavior. She and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., are the co-authors of three books, including Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens; The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting Senior Year to College Life; and The Seven Year Stretch: How families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence.

Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., is a writer and the mother of four. With Laura Kastner, she co-wrote Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens; The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting Senior Year to College Life; and The Seven Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence.

Acknowledgments xiii

Introduction: Teen Difficulties Happen to the Best of Parents xiv

1 When Your Sweet Child Morphs into a Sassy Teen 1

Why Are Today's Teens So Rude? 1

When to Try to Tame the 'Tude 3

Staying Calm in the Face of Rudeness 5

The Tricky Issue of Manners 6

Family Story: A Mom Deftly Handles a Defiant Teen 7

The Most Effective Parenting Style for Raising a Successful Teen 12

2 When Smart Teens Do Really Dumb Things 17

When-and Why-Teens Don't Use Their Heads 17

Extraordinary Discoveries in Brain Science 18

Why Emotion Often Trumps Reason in Teens 20

Family Story: A Teen's Big Blunder Triggers Extreme Parent Reactions 22

Helping Kids Learn from Their Mistakes 26

The Myth of Immunity 28

3 When Your Trustworthy Teen Pulls a Fast One 31

Family Story: Skillful Handling of a Teen Crisis 31

Stellar Strategies for Confronting a Teen 35

Why Even Good Teens Lie 37

Setting up Family Rules and Policies: Don't Forget to Have Them! 38

Using the CALM Technique 42

Dealing with Doubts: Do My Teen and I Have a Good Relationship? 45

4 When You and Your Spouse Disagree 48

The Family Fish Bowl 48

Family Story: Parents at Their Wit's End 54

Good Cop/Bad Cop: Why Nobody Wins 59

How Decent Kids Turn into Problem Kids 61

Four Triggers for Splitting Parents Apart 64

5 When Your Teen Is Acting Like a Spoiled Brat 69

The Epidemic of "Entitle-mania" 69

Family Story: A Parent's Plan Backfires 70

The Big Brush-off: A Teen's Favorite Weapon 72

The Usual Slog with an Average Teen 75

Q&A: How to Kick-start New and Better Habits for Truly Resistant Teens 76

Family Story: If I Say "Yes," WillMy Teen Love Me More? 81

Weak Boundaries and Family-of-Origin Problems 83

Pathways to Indulgence 86

6 When You're Worried You're Losing Your Teen 89

What Am I, Chopped Liver? 89

Selfhood 2.0 90

The Self-centeredness of Young Teens 93

Lie Low and Wear Beige 97

Family Story: A Dad Struggles with His Son's Choices 98

Forks in the Road: Who Gets to Choose the Way? 101

Identity Development: There's a Method to the Madness 104

7 When They're Screaming at You-or Not Talking at All 108

Family Story: A Savvy Mom Avoids a Mother-Daughter Tornado 109

Dealing with Emotional Dumping 113

Family Story: The Burdens of Boyhood 116

Staying Connected when Your Teen Is Shutting You Out 119

The "Girl Thing" and the "Boy Thing" 121

8 When Teens Are Mean 127

Why Bashing Your Teen's Friends Is a Bad Move 127

Family Story: A Mom Helps Her Daughter Outwit an "Alpha" Friend 129

How Parents Can Blow It by Overreacting to Peers 134

Adolescent Social Bruises 136

Social Cruelty on a Spectrum 138

How "in" a Teen's World Should You Be? 140

Strategic Moves for Banning Friends 141

Nudging Shy Teens Along the Social Path 143

9 When Your Teen Wants to Be Wired All the Time 147

Family Story: A Turbo-charged Cyberidentity 151

Family Story: Caught in the Web of a Cyberstalker 154

Family Story: The Plague of Plagiarism 156

Family Story: Pornography Invasion 158

Family Story: Branding of Teens Like Cattle in a Herd 161

Family Story: "Game Washed" 163

Why Face Time Matters 165

10 When Your Teen Is "Going Out" 168

The Teen Brain in Love 168

Family Story: A Mom Fears Her Son Is Falling for a "Fast Girl" 170

Do's and Don'ts of Teen Dating for Parents 175

Socializing, Romance, and Going Out 176

Downsides of Romantic Relationships 180

The Incredible Benefits of Dating 182

11 When You Need to Talk About Sex 185

Puberty Dawns 185

New Bodies, New Challenges 186

Talking to Teens About Sexuality: Myths and Misconceptions 188

Family Story: Navigating the Tricky Waters of Talking About Sexual Intimacy 192

A List for Teens Considering Sexual Intimacy 198

New Trends on the Block 200

Techniques for Talking About Sex 201

12 When You're Fighting About Grades 205

The Core Four 207

What Kind of Student Is Your Teen? 208

Family Story: A Lackadaisical Student Piles on the Excuses 211

Help on the Home Front for Disappointing Grades 216

Seven Top Tips for Boosting School Achievement 219

What Matters More than the Numbers Game 224

13 When You Catch Your Teen Drinking or Smoking 227

Why Risk Is a Teen's Middle Name 228

The Teen Brain and Substances: A Unique and Scary Brew 231

Good Moves for Sticky Situations 233

Write a Caring Letter to Your Teen 240

Actions that Speak Louder than Words 242

14 When Everyone Is Completely Stressed Out 245

Family Story: A Scheduling Dilemma 247

Why We Put Up with the Rat Race 250

Crafting a Calmer Home 253

A Strategic Plan for Building Family Health 257

Notes 261

Parent Resources 265

Index 268