Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man » (Revised)

Steve H. Graham is author of The Good, the Spam, and the Ugly and Keep Chewing Till It Stops Kicking: Finding Your Inner Caveman. In 1983, he was indicted for eating a live midget. Steve lives in Miami, where he enjoys fishing, piano, home-brewing, and cooking enormous portions of unhealthy food.

Eat healthy and live to be 100?

Screw that.

Why choke down bland, mushy, steamed veggies and brown rice when there's so much fat-laden, calorie-rich, heart-bursting cuisine out there to be savored? Because you want to live? So you can spend your golden years wandering aimlessly around a Florida shopping mall and eating dinner at 2 in the afternoon? So your rotten kids can plop you into some hellhole of a nursing home the minute you forget what day it is?

Go ahead, triple your cholesterol and triglyceride counts, and clog those arteries. You'll never get out of this world alive, so enjoy life while you can. Here are the most unhealthy triple-bypass recipes sure to satisfy the most insatiable cholesterol craving. Instead of steamed tofu, try Lard-Oozing Caja-China-Roasted Hog or Pizzeria-style Baked Ziti with Sausage and Mozzarella! Follow up with a decadent dessert of Deep-Fried Twinkies or Ice Cream Lasagne. You'll die quicker but with a smile on your face.

Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man will put you back in touch with your Inner Hog.

Raves for Steve Graham's THE GOOD, THE SPAM, AND THE UGLY

"Gleefully offensive."—Publishers Weekly

"Thanks for using a pseudonym."—Steve's father

Publishers Weekly

Nostalgic for a time when kitchen counters had a container marked "grease" right next to "flour" and "sugar," author and blogger Graham (Keep Chewing Till It Stops Kicking) offers up a rambling, tongue-in-cheek, plaque-in-artery collection of recipes and essays for those dedicated to the "Art of Lard." Graham delights in slaughtering sacred cows with his acerbic, at times wildly inappropriate humor, but also gets a terrific amount of glee from simple bacon grease, a key ingredient in ribs, chicken fried steak, hash browns and even popcorn. Predictably dense takes on macaroni and cheese, burgers and fries dominate, though more exotic fare like Turducken and Rotis with Goat Curry are also detailed. Graham's glib instructions can frustrate; for fatty (but incredibly flavorful) twice-baked fries, "you get your fat, and you put it in a big pot, and you put it in the oven at 250 for like a day. Then you throw out the lumps that remain," before you add potatoes for frying. Most of his dishes, however, fall within the capabilities of kitchen novices, and he peppers sound advice throughout on everything from the proper use of ham hocks to the care of cast iron skillets. Unfortunately, his wildly uneven tone and pointless digressions kill any sense of momentum, making this a comedic smorgasbord best consumed in moderation.
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Acknowledgments     xi
Introduction     1
Ribs     7
How to Smoke Your Butt     22
BBQ Beans, Texas Toast, and the Inevitable Mel Brooks Reference     27
Breakfast as a Mind-Altering Drug     38
Chicken-Fried Rib Eye on A Huge Biscuit     48
Grease Burgers     54
Corn Bread and Navy Beans     60
Turducken: Flight of the Hindenbird     68
Aged Prime Steak Cooked on a Propane Griddle     79
Champagne Chicken with Fettuccine in Cream Sauce     90
Smoked Pork and Andouille Jambalaya     98
Pizzeria-Style Baked Ziti with Sausage and Mozzarella     103
Stuffed Hog with Apricot and Marsala Glaze     115
Unauthentic White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Chili     125
Super-Giant Fried Patacon Tacos     134
Deep-Fried Chinese-Style Honey-Garlic Chicken     143
Rotis with Goat Curry     148
Doro Wat-Ethiopian-Style Chicken Stew     154
Hash Brown Casserole with Cheddar and Sour Cream     162
Dreadfully Fattening Macaroni and Cheese     169
Twice-Fried Fries Cooked in Beef Fat     181
Perfect 10-Minute Street Pizza     191
Peach Cobbler     208
Ice Cream Lasagna     213
Yeast-Raised Fried Doughnuts in Coconut/Banana Sauce     221
Coconut Flan     233
540-Calorie Brownies     238
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Hot Fudge Dessert/Pms Remedy     245
Blueberry Butter Cheesecake     252
Cheese Baklava     264
Red Lager and Room-Temperature-Brewed Ale     269
Five Greasy Pieces     275
Conclusion     284
Index     285