Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last » (Revised)

Mimi E. Lyster has been active in dispute resolution and other facilitated decision-making processes for 25 years. She brings experiences as a mediator, trainer, facilitator, strategic planner, and court policy analyst to her work with families, businesses, nonprofits, and government organizations. Lyster has co-founded a community mediation program, served on the California Dispute Resolution Council, the State Bar's Committee and was appointed to the 2020 California Court futures Commission. She maintains a limited private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Information, tips, checklists and worksheets for creating fair and lasting child-custody agreements.

Washington Times

Aims to show separating or divorcing parents how to overcome obstacles and build their own custody agreements.

I. Introduction

Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible
What If We Need Outside Help?
Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues
Why This Book Is Unique
A Word to Skeptics
What If You Just Want to Fight?

Part I: Getting Started

1. Taking Stock of Your Situation
You Are Not Alone
Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children
It Gets Easier Over Time
Learn How to Negotiate
If the Other Parent Is Absent
If There Is Violence or Abuse in the Family

2. An Introduction to Parenting Agreements
What Parenting Agreements Cover
Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements
Goals of a Successful Parenting Agreement
Parenting Agreements and Custody

3. Getting Organized
Organize and Review Documents
Completing the Worksheets
Sample Worksheets

4. How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement
Knowing What You Need and Want
When Conflict Gets in the Way
Using Effective Negotiation and Problem-Solving Strategies
Breaking Through Impasses
Knowing Where to Get Help and Support

Part II: Your Parenting Agreement

5. Building Your Agreement
Where to Begin
Cooperate! Cooperate! Cooperate!
Get Outside Help
Keep Your Agreement Current

6. Basic Elements
Issue 1: Where Our Children Will Live
Issue 2: Medical, Dental, and Vision Care
Issue 3: Negative Comments or Remarks
Issue 4: Consistency in Raising Children
Issue 5: Holidays
Issue 6: Education
Issue 7: Insurance
Issue 8: Making Decisions
Issue 9: Resolving Disputes
Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement

7. Finishing Touches
Issue 11: Exchanging Information
Issue 12: ChildCare
Issue 13: Special Occasions and Family Events
Issue 14: Vacations
Issue 15: Outside Activities
Issue 16: Transportation Between Parents' Homes
Issue 17: Improving Transition Times
Issue 18: Maintaining Contact
Issue 19: Grandparents, Relatives, and Important Friends
Issue 20: Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care
Issue 21: Religious Training
Issue 22: Surname
Issue 23: Treating Each Child as an Individual
Issue 24: Separating the Adult Relationship Issues From the Parenting Issues
Issue 25: Making Routine Changes
Issue 26: Making Big Changes
Issue 27: Explaining the Agreement to Your Children

8. Serious Issues
Issue 28: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and Child Neglect
Issue 29: Alcohol or Drug Abuse
Issue 30: Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship
Issue 31: Denying Access to the Children
Issue 32: If Extended Family Members or Close Friends Are Fueling the Dispute

9. Special Issues and Complicating Factors
Issue 33: Moving
Issue 34: When Parenting Styles and Values Differ
Issue 35: When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting Skills
Issue 36: When Parents Have New Partners
Issue 37: If Our Homes Are Far Apart
Issue 38: When Nonrelatives Live in the Home
Issue 39: Reinvolving a Parent Who Has Been Absent
Issue 40: Driving and Owning a Car, Motorcycle, or Off-Road Vehicle
Issue 41: International Travel and Passports
Issue 42: Military Service
Issue 43: Allowing Underage Marriage

Part III: Beyond Your Parenting Agreement

10. Child Support, Alimony, and Jointly Owned Property
Understanding Child Support
Understanding Alimony or Spousal Support
Negotiating Child and Spousal Support
Dividing Jointly Owned Property

11. Making Mediation and Arbitration Work for You
How Mediation Works
Why Mediation Works
Proposing Mediation
Understanding Basic Mediation Techniques
Why Mediation Works in Very Difficult Cases
What Mediators Don't Do
Choosing Between Court-Ordered and Private Mediation
When the Mediator Makes a Recommendation to the Court
Custody Evaluations
Choosing a Mediator
Preparing for Mediation
If You Can't Reach an Agreement
Alternatives to Mediation

12. Dealing With Changes in Your Agreement
Why Changes Are Necessary -- And How to Handle Them
When You Are the One Initiating Change
When You Are the One Responding to a Request for Change
When Tensions Are Running High
What to Do After You Negotiate the Changes

13. Understanding Your Children's Needs
Strategies for Your Children at Any Age
Strategies for Your Children at Different Ages and Developmental Stages
Strategies for Children With Special Needs

14. Multiracial, Multicultural, and International Families
Accommodating Differences in Child-Rearing Practices
Encouraging Children to Celebrate the Traditions of Both Parents
Sorting Out the Role of Power Within the Family
Working Within the American Legal System
Deciding Whether Another Country Has Authority Over Parenting (Custody) Issues

15. Nontraditional Families
What Are Nontraditional Families?
The Legal Relationship of a Nontraditional Parent and His or Her Children
Recognizing the Nontraditional Parent's Role
Resolving Conflict in a Way That Meets Your Family's Needs
Creating New Relationships After the Divorce or Separation

16. State and Federal Laws Affecting Child Custody
Custody and Visitation
Best Interests of the Child
Mediation
Interference With Custody
Interstate Custody Disputes
International Custody Disputes
Custody and the IRS

17. Help Beyond the Book
Researching Legal Issues
Researching Nonlegal Issues
Research on the Internet
Finding Professionals Who Can Help
Additional Resources
Bibliography

A. Appendix: Tear-Out Forms
Worksheet 1: Describe Your Child
Worksheet 2: Describe Your Relationship With Your Child
Worksheet 3: Adding the Details
Worksheet 4: Checklist of Issues for Your Parenting Agreement
Parenting Agreement

Index