Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships » (1st Edition)

Much has been made of the complex social arrangements that girls and women navigate, but little scholarly or popular attention has focused on what friendship means to men. Drawing on in-depth interviews with nearly 400 men, therapist and researcher Geoffrey L. Greif takes readers on a guided tour of male friendships, explaining what makes them work, why they are vital to the health of individuals and communities, and how to build the kinds of friendships that can lead to longer and happier lives. Another 120 conversations with women help map the differences in what men and women seek from friendships and what, if anything, men can learn from women's relationships.

The guiding feature of the book is Greif's typology of male friendships: he dispels the myth that men don't have friends, showing that men have must, trust, just,and rust friends. A must friend is the best friend a man absolutely must call with earthshaking news. A trust friend is liked and trusted but not necessarily held as close as a must friend. Just friends are casual acquaintances, while rust friends have a long history together and can drift in and out of each other's lives, essentially picking up where they last left off. Understanding the role each of these types of friends play across men's lives reveals fascinating developmental patterns, such as how men cope with stress and conflict and how they make and maintain friendships, and how their friends keep them active and happy.
Through the lively words of men themselves, and detailed profiles of men from their twenties to their nineties, readers may be surprised to find what friendships offer men—as well as their families and communities—and are sure to learn what makes their own relationships tick.

Introduction 3

Pt. I Understanding Men's Friendships 15

1 How Do We Understand Men's Friendships? 17

2 What Do Friendship and Friend Mean? 45

3 So, How Do Friendships Actually Work? 64

4 What Do Men Learn From Their Fathers About Friendships? 95

Pt. II Understanding Women's Friendships 109

5 Do Women Influence Men's Friendships? 111

6 Do Women Feel the Same About Friends as Do Men? 127

Pt. III Men's Friendships Across the Decades 161

7 Marty in His 20s: Needing Friends and Family 163

8 Zach in His 30s: Balancing Family, Friends, and Work 171

9 Mal in His 40s: Continuing the Balancing Act 183

10 Mick in His 50s: Needing Friends More Than Ever 192

11 Michael in His 60s: Friendships Shaped by Early Experiences 202

12 Donald in His 70s: Going Strong 211

13 Tom in His 80s: Realizing All His Friends Are Gone 220

14 Fred in His 90s: Thinking Maybe It's in the Genes 228

Pt. IV Making and Maintaining Friendships 235

15 Men's Fellowship at a Saturday Morning Church Group 237

16 Stepping Up to the Plate With Your Friendships 246

Pt. V Appendices 261

Appendix A About the Study 263

Appendix B Questions for Men's Groups and Classroom Discussion 269

Notes 273

References 284

Index 295