Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy »

Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. He is also the author of the bestselling business humor book Who Cut the Cheese? He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his three-year-old son, "the boy,"and a one-year-old daughter, "the girl."

Finally, a book for guys that solves the riddles of pregnancy.

Do you think that newborn babies can eat Doritos? That they can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny little baby lungs? That you will still be able to golf on weekends after your baby is born?

If so, you need this book!

Breathe takes guys misstep-by-misstep through the stages of pregnancy and the early days of childhood. Considered by many to be the unofficial pregnancy handbook of the NBA, Breathe is filled with useful tips such as these:

Brown's First Law of Conception: The odds of conception are inversely proportional to its desirability. High school virgins experimenting behind bleachers are guaranteed to get pregnant; financially secure married men hoping for children are doomed to spend their weekends in fertility clinics masturbating into cups.

Picking a doctor: Never use a gynecologist whose Medical School Diploma has palm trees on the side.

Pre-Natal Music: Mozart, yes. Wagner, No!

Common Concerns: If your baby is born with dark hair that covers its head, back, neck, temples and forehead, don't panic. This is perfectly normal. It just means your baby was born Italian.

Child experts from all over the world agree — if you're a first time father, drop your baby and pick up this book!