Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language » (Revised)

"Richard Lederer is the true king of language comedy. Anguished English is the funniest book I have ever read." -Sidney Sheldon

Anguished English is filled with accidental misuses of language that will delight and entertain you. This book has all the student bloopers, dangling modifiers, misread headlines, and malapropisms imaginable. It's a must-have for word lovers everywhere.

Advertisement: "Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children."

In a lawsuit: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" "All my autopsies are on dead people."

On a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Describing an accident: "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

INTRODUCTION.....vii

I. SCHOOLISHNESS

Student Bloopers Win Pullet Surprises.....3

The World According to Student Bloopers.....7

Excuses, Excuses.....16

II. THE BLUNDERFUL WORLD OF BLOOPERS

Disorder in the Court!.....21

Accidental Bloopers.....27

Wholly Holy Bloopers.....31

It's an Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad, World.....37

Signs of the Times.....41

Welfare Bloopers Fare Well.....47

Stop the Presses!.....49

Two-Headed Headlines.....56

III. INSPIRED GIBBERISH

Modern Day Malapropisms.....69

Mixed-Up Metaphors.....77

An Irish Bull is Always Pregnant.....82

Goldwynisms and Berraisms.....87

Lost In Translation.....93

IV. GRAMMER GAFFES

Mangling Modifers.....101

References Wanted.....105

Laffing at Mispellings.....109

Howta Reckanize American Slurvian.....114