Anger Management For Dummies »

W. Doyle Gentry, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and Director of the Institute for Anger-Free Living in Lynchburg, Virginia. He is a Fellow in the American Psychological Association and was the Founding Editor of the Journal of Behavioral Medicine. In Dr. Gentry’s four-decade career as a scientist-practitioner, he has authored over 100 publications, including eight books, and is a pioneer in the fields of health psychology, behavioral medicine, and anger management. He has previously served on the faculty of Duke University Medical Center and the University of Texas Medical Branch, Galveston. Gentry has conducted training seminars for lay and professional audiences throughout the United States, Canada, and Europe. He has also served as a consultant to major industry, where he specializes in conflict management, team building, and health promotion. Articles referring to Dr. Gentry’s work on anger regularly appear in a variety of contemporary magazines, and he is frequently interviewed on radio and television for insights into how to create and maintain an anger-free life. He is the author of two earlier self-help books on anger: ANGER-FREE: Ten Basic Steps to Managing Your Anger (Quill, 2000) and When Someone You Love Is Angry (Berkley, 2004).

If your anger, or that of a loved one, is out of control and threatening your life and livelihood, you need the calm, clear, and understanding help you’ll find in Anger Management For Dummies. This concise and practical guidebook shares specific anger management methods, skills, and exercises that will help you identify the sources of your anger and release yourself from their grip. You’ll find out how to:

Defuse your anger before it strikes
Express your feelings calmly
Respond rather than react
Prevent anger incidents in the future
Release healthy anger in a healthy way
Confess your anger in a journal
Use anger constructively
Get beyond old anger through forgiveness

Complete with coverage of road rage, air rage, office rage, and dealing with angry children, Anger Management for Dummies gives you the tools you need to overcome your anger and live a happier, more productive life.

Introduction     1
About This Book     1
Conventions Used in This Book     3
What You're Not to Read     3
Foolish Assumptions     4
How This Book Is Organized     4
The Basics of Anger     4
Managing Your Anger Today     5
Preventing Anger Tomorrow     5
Handling Anger from the Past     5
Lifestyle Changes That Improve More Than Your Anger     6
Managing Anger in Key Relationships     6
The Part of Tens     6
Icons Used in This Book     6
Where to Go from Here     7
The Basics of Anger     9
Anger: The Universal Emotion     11
Dispelling Common Anger Myths     11
Understanding the Role of Emotions in Your Life     13
Getting the Help You Need     14
You'll Know When You're There     16
When Is Anger a Problem?     17
Evaluating How Angry You Are     18
How often do you get angry?     19
How intense is your anger?     20
Figuring Out Whether Your Anger Is Toxic     20
Episodic irritation     21
Episodic anger     22
Episodic rage     22
Chronic irritation     22
Chronic anger     22
Chronic rage     22
Calculating the Risks of Toxic Anger     23
Are you male?     23
Are you under 40 years of age?     23
Are you temperamental?     24
Do you have too many opportunities to get mad?     24
Are you looking at life the wrong way?     24
Do you have an aggressive personality?     25
Are you taking the wrong kinds of drugs?     26
Do you stay irritable?     26
Are you suffering from depression?     27
Do you communicate poorly?     27
Do you lack problem-solving skills?     28
Are you too stressed?     28
Are you too judgmental?     28
Are you too much into blame?     28
Are you constantly exhausted?     29
Do you have an inadequate support system?     29
Is your life seriously out of balance?     30
Is Anger Poisoning Your Life?     31
Robbing Your Energy     32
Making You Ill     33
How anger indirectly affects your health     33
How anger directly affects your health      37
Reviewing the anger-health checklist     39
Sabotaging Your Career     41
Getting off track early     42
Heading in the wrong direction     42
Asking the wrong question     43
Engaging in counterproductive work behavior     44
Ruining Your Marriage     45
Affecting the Health of Those You Care About     46
Managing Your Anger Today     49
Taking Immediate Action     51
Drawing the Line - the Sooner the Better     51
Settling for Just Being Annoyed     53
Understanding Why Your Fuse Is So Short     54
Lengthening Your Fuse     55
Walking away - but coming back     56
Letting the other person have the last word     57
Sometimes It Pays to Feel Guilty     58
Distraction Works     58
Changing your situation     59
Stopping the rumination     60
Using imagery to transcend anger     61
The Life Savers technique     64
Speaking Out in Anger     65
Forget Venting     66
Expressing Your Anger Effectively     67
Talking versus hitting     67
Writing versus speaking      69
Leaving out the four-letter words     70
Stay focused     71
Keep it short - and breathe     71
It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It     72
Keeping Your Cool     75
Choose to Respond Rather Than React     76
Breaking your lifelong habits of reacting to anger     77
Avoiding the company of other angerholics     79
Assessing Your Anger     80
Be Patient     81
Take a Deep Breath     82
The relaxation response     82
The power of quiet     83
Lighten up     83
Inoculate yourself     83
Ask Yourself Four Crucial Questions     84
Who am I really angry at?     84
Is this where I want to be angry?     84
Why am I angry?     84
Is the intensity of my anger at this moment consistent with why I'm angry?     85
What Are My Options?     85
Always give yourself three ways to go     86
Consider the consequences of each response     86
Don't always exercise your right to be angry     88
Go Ahead and Respond     88
Now Reward Yourself     89
Preventing Anger Tomorrow      91
Adopting a New Perspective     93
Anger Is in the Eye of the Beholder     94
Understanding why it's called "blind" rage     95
Choosing the lesser of two evils     96
Accepting Life for What It Is, Not What It Should Be     97
Becoming More Tolerant     98
Seeking diversity in all things     99
Avoiding the media like the plague     100
Figuring Out Where Hostility and Resentment Come From     102
When in Doubt, Be Assertive     104
Saying What You Feel     105
Why Hiding Your Emotions Isn't Healthy     105
No such thing as unexpressed anger     106
Dissatisfaction can be lethal     107
Being Civil Doesn't Always Mean Being Nice     108
Stop saying "I'm fine" when you're not     109
Stop apologizing for what others do     109
Express your anger without worrying that you're being a bitch     110
Stop Having Issues and Start Having Feelings     110
Walking Away and Still Having Your Say     112
Confessing Your Anger     115
Confession: It's Good for What Ails You     116
Who Can Benefit from Confessing     117
Men in general      117
African-American men     118
Women who cry a lot     118
People who are prone to guilt     118
People who are too empathetic     118
People who are hostile     119
People who lack charisma     119
Introverts     119
People who have suffered a lot of trauma     119
People who are chronically ill     120
Young people     120
Understanding the Difference between a Diary and a Journal     120
Telling Your Story Your Way     121
Make yourself the audience     121
Use the first person     122
Don't worry about grammar     122
Focus on the negative     123
Establish causal connections     124
Write until time is up     125
Don't let emotions get in the way     125
Suspend judgment     126
Stick to pen and pencil     127
Find a quite place     128
Becoming a Type B     129
Moving Beyond Type A     130
Focusing on who you are rather than what you do     130
Looking at your own competitive streak     134
Conversing without numbers     135
Taking off your watch     136
Resisting what society tells you to do     138
Acquiring Wisdom     139
Seeking diversity in relationships     139
Cultivating the arts     140
Letting curiosity rein     140
Finding the Right Environmental Fit     141
Using Anger Constructively     143
Making Anger Your Ally     143
Anger is a built-in resource     145
Anger is invigorating     145
Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior     146
Anger communicates     146
Anger protects you from harm     147
Anger is an antidote to impotence     147
Exploring the Motives behind Your Anger     148
Seeking vengeance     149
Bringing about a positive change     149
Letting off steam     150
Using Anger to Understand Yourself     150
Constructive Anger     151
Decide how you want to feel after you get angry     151
Acknowledge your anger     152
Focus your anger on the problem, not the person     153
Identify the source of the problem     153
Accept that the problem can be solved     154
Try to see things from the other person's perspective     155
Co-op the other party     155
Keep a civil tone throughout     156
Avoid disrespectful behavior     156
Don't be afraid to take a timeout and resume the discussion later     157
Make it a two-way conversation     157
Acknowledge that you've made progress     157
What Goes Around Comes Around     158
Handling Anger from the Past     159
Why Is Letting Go So Difficult?     161
Digging Out from Anger     161
Resistance equals persistence     162
What are you afraid of?     163
Being nice doesn't mean being powerless     164
Who hangs on and who lets go?     166
Trying the ten-minute rant     168
Living without Resolution     169
Time's Up: When to Let Go     169
Forgiving     171
Forgiveness Is Never Easy     172
It takes time     173
It requires support     173
It demands sacrifice     174
Choosing to Forgive     174
You have to be safe     174
You have to acknowledge the frailty of human nature     175
Doing a Cost-Benefit Analysis      176
Who are you letting off the hook?     176
Do you deserve to be happy?     177
Accepting the Finality of Being Wronged     178
You don't have to forget the past     178
Choose pain over anger     179
Lifestyle Changes That Improve More Than Your Anger     181
Managing Stress     183
Distinguishing Stress from Strain     184
Staying Away from Stress Carriers     185
Identifying the Sources of Your Stress     186
Knowing Which Types of Stress Are Toxic     188
Cumulative stress     189
Chronic stress     189
Catastrophic stress     190
Control stress     190
Avoiding Burnout     191
Discovering How to Be Hardy     193
Be the master of your own destiny     194
Be a player, not a spectator     195
Transform catastrophes into challenges     196
Coping with Stress: What Works and What Doesn't     197
Managing Your Chemistry     199
Just Because It's Legal Doesn't Make It Healthy     199
How Much Is Too Much?     202
Keeping Track of Your Substance Use     204
Eliminating Your Favorite Cigarette     206
Counting Your Caffeine     207
Adopting a New Drinking Style     207
Adding Balance to Your Life     211
Counterbalancing Stress     211
Adding uplifts to your life     212
Moving away from the extremes     214
Creating Healthy Pleasure     214
Go with the Flow     216
Maintaining Meaningful Social Ties     218
Strive for quality not quantity     218
Support is a two-way street     219
Support is only good if you accept it     219
Understanding Why Your Life Is Unbalanced     220
Age     220
Gender     220
Personality     221
Time constraint     221
Overemphasis on independence     221
A reliance on unhealthy pleasure     221
Stress     222
Technology     222
Affordability     222
Too much freedom     222
Lack of perspective     223
Making Self a Priority     223
Getting a Good Night's Sleep     227
Understanding What Sleep Does for You     227
Knowing How Much Is Enough      229
Rating the Quality of Your Sleep     230
Improving the Quality of Your Sleep     232
Listening to your body     232
Getting physical     233
Avoiding stimulants     234
Setting up a pre-sleep routine     236
Creating a positive sleep environment     236
Considering sleeping pills     239
Looking to a Higher Power     241
Reaching Up rather than Out     241
Using Faith as a Weapon     242
Praying Prayers of Gratitude     244
Practicing Compassion     245
Being Humble - It Helps     247
Having a Blessed Day     248
Staying in a Good Mood     251
E-lim-inate the Negative: Maintaining a Positive Mood     252
Laughter: It really is the best medicine     252
Hanging around with optimists     254
Finding the good in the bad     255
Calculating your positivity ratio     256
When Your Mood Becomes a Problem     257
The Anger-Depression Link     259
Fixing the Problem     261
Taking the "happy pill": Antidepressants     261
The talking cure: Psychotherapy     263
Healing through exercise     264
Re-placement therapy     266
Managing Anger in Key Relationships     269
At Work     271
Recognizing Counterproductive Work Behavior     272
Avoidance versus aggression     274
Person versus organization     274
Knowing Where to Look     276
The disgruntled employee     276
The self-centered employee     278
Improving Your Negotiating Skills     280
Creating a Positive Work Environment     280
Making Civility the Norm     283
Speaking Up, Not Out     285
At Home     287
It Takes Two to Tango: Avoiding Angry Dialogues     288
Managing Anger from the Top Down     289
Choosing the Unfamiliar: Changing Your Family's Patterns     291
Looking at Your Parenting Style     292
The Power of One     296
One meal a day     296
One evening a week     297
One day a month     298
One week a year     298
In Intimate Relationships     301
The Loving-but-Angry Relationship     302
Intimate partner violence     302
The angry marriage      303
Parent-child anger     305
Sibling anger     306
If You're the Angry Loved One     306
You may become the person you fear and hate     306
Two wrongs never make a right     307
Establishing healthy boundaries     308
If You're on the Receiving End of a Loved One's Anger     310
Eliminate the mental traps     310
Stop being part of the problem     312
Inoculate yourself     314
Refuse to play the role of the victim     315
The Part of Tens     317
Ten Ways to Raise a Non-Angry Child     319
Being an Emotional Coach     319
Starting Early and Talking Back     322
Creating Teachable Moments     322
Being a Positive Role Model     323
Putting the "I" in Emotion     325
Labeling Feelings Appropriately     325
Identifying Causes     326
Teaching Problem Solving     327
Choosing the Third Alternative     328
Learning the Difference between Wanting and Getting     329
Ten Ways to Combat Road Rage     331
Don't Rush     331
Loosen Your Grip     332
Focus on the Journey rather than the Destination     333
Be the Other Driver     333
Take the "I" out of Driver     334
Look on the Bright Side     334
Repeat after Me: They Are Not the Enemy     335
Stop Catastrophizing     336
Stop Being So Rational     337
Settle for Just Being Irritated     337
Ten Anger-Freeing Thoughts     339
No One - Absolutely No One - Can Make You Angry without Your Consent     339
Anger Boomerangs - And So Does Love     340
It's Only Money     340
Other People Are Not the Enemy     341
Life Isn't Fair - Not Even at the Top     341
Energy Is a Terrible Thing to Waste     342
Don't Kid Yourself: We're All Bozos     343
This Isn't the Hill You Want to Die On     343
There's Nothing You Can Achieve in Anger That You Can't Achieve without It     343
When You're Dealing with People, You're Not Entitled to a Damn Thing!     344
Index     347