After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood Trauma »

Jane Middelton-Moz, M.S., is an internationally known speaker and author with more than forty years of experience in consultation, training, and community intervention. She is the director of the Middelton-Moz Institute, has served on the Board of NACOA (National Association of Children of Alcoholics), and the Advisory Board of NANACOA (National Association of Native American Children of Alcoholics). Skilled at meeting the particular needs of an organization, Ms. Middelton-Moz is a dynamic keynote presenter and is known for her highly successful "hands on, participant driven " workshops. She is recognized for her work in the areas of adult children of alcoholics, multi-generational grief and trauma in individuals, families and communities, ethnic and cultural awareness, anger, cultural self-hate, differential diagnosis, values in the workplace and in families, empowering employees, and creating positive work place environments.

Ms. Middelton-Moz has appeared on national television shows including Oprah, Maury Povich, and Montel Williams, on the Discovery Channel, and has had her own PBS special. She is the author of Children of Trauma, Shame and Guilt, Boiling Point, Welcoming our Children to a New Millennium, and Values from the Front Porch, and coauthor of Bullies, Good and Mad, and The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger. Visit www.middeltonmozinstitute.org.

Lorie Dwinell, M.S.W., has been a therapist in full-time private practice in Seattle since 1977, and specializes in all aspects of addictive disorders, grief, depression, stressful life events, and transitions. She was the addiction specialist at the University of Washington's School of Social Work from 1973 to 1977, and she had the pleasure of training many of the leaders in the chemical dependency field who went on to esteemed careers in Washington and throughout the United States. She is known nationally as a trainer and has appeared on Oprah as a guest therapist.

The trauma and grief of growing up in an alcoholic or addicted family create a lifetime of baggage. If you grew up in an addicted family, the dysfunction that permeated every aspect of your childhood may have seemed 'normal,' and you may not even realize the level of affect alcohol still has on your adult life—whether or not you drink.

If you are one of the millions of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs), the cost of your childhood pain can be unbearable. You may have learned how to 'survive,' but are you 'living' your life? Do you fear normal conflict? Do you blame yourself when something goes wrong—even when it isn't your fault? Are you a chaos junkie? Or do you just fear relationships because they are too difficult or too painful?

Having devoted much of their careers to working with ACOAs, therapists Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell now take a deeper look into the origin and cost of childhood pain, as well as the grief resolution process that is integral to recovery. This revised and expanded edition of their groundbreaking 1986 hit After the Tears discusses the latest research and offers insights on living a good life despite a dysfunctional childhood by tackling issues such as intimacy, sibling relationships, codependency, breaking the alcoholic pattern, building a relationship with the inner child, forgiveness, and opening a window to spirituality.

Acknowledgments xi

Introduction 1

1 The Bomb in the Basement and the Bomb in the Attic: Common Characteristics of Alcoholic Families and Survival Adaptation of Adult Children of Alcoholics 5

2 The Same but Different: Differences in Children from the Same Alcoholic Family and Differences in Alcoholic Families 22

3 Self-Sufficient in an Insufficient Way: Learning to Survive Under Chronic Stress 37

4 The Gift That Keeps On Giving: Characteristics of Children of Alcoholics 54

5 Surviving the Unimaginable: The Resilliency of Children of Alcoholics 76

6 Validation of Trauma and Breaking Through Denial: Understanding the Normal Response to an Abnormal and Painful Life 86

7 Building a Cognitive Life Raft: Developing an Intellectual Understanding of the Effects of a Painful Life 99

8 An Emotional Safety Net: Building a Relationship with the Child Within 113

9 Grief Work: The Pain That Begins to Heal Itself 121

10 Mourning, Then Behavior Change: Moving On and Giving Back 135

11 I Want You, Want You Gone, Want You Back: ACOAs in Intimate Relationships 146

12 Misplaced Loyalty: The Codependency Factor 169

13 Empowering Change in a Painful Legacy: Adult Children and Sibling Relationships 180

14 ACOAs Become Parents: A Pioneering Effort 197

15 A Pain Too Deep: ACOAs Taking Care of Elderly Parents 216

16 ACOAs in the Workplace: I Can Be a Team Player as Long as I'm the Only Player on the Team 230

17 Acceptance and Forgiveness: Holding On to Resentment Is like Taking Poison and Hoping the Other Guy Dies 242

18 Finding the Sacred in the Ordinary: Opening a Window to Spirituality for Adult Children of Alcoholics 254

Conclusion 265

Glossary 270

Resources 277

Selected References 279

Index 283