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When Your Spouse Comes Out (Glbt Family Studies) 1st Edition

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 19 ratings

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Effective therapeutic self-help techniques for a straight mate’s recovery

One of the most traumatic events that can happen in a marriage is discovering your mate is gay.
When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual is a comprehensive exploration of the trauma that provides practical steps that successful individuals have taken to keep this event from ruining their future. This guide offers solid therapeutic techniques for self-help and presents poignant true stories that illustrate that the damage is not irreparable. The book examines the various reactions to the coming-out event, the personal challenges and obstacles often experienced, and shares lessons learned and some of the secrets of transformation.

When this crisis hits home, isolation, depression, anger, grief, and self-recrimination take root.
When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual presents role models, analysis, practices, and activities promoting long-term emotional recovery for heterosexual men and women whose intimate partners are gay. The text includes integrated exercises helpful for class work and student discussion and case studies of people who recount their stories and explain their recovery.

Topics in
When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual include:

  • different straight spouse responses to the coming out event
  • diverse ways gay mates approach coming out
  • typical stages of coping by straight spouses
  • health risks
  • how to tell the children
  • helping children with the resulting challenges
  • paths toward healing
  • recreating family
  • and more

When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual offers a self-directed path to recovery which can be used individually or in the context of a support group. This guide is invaluable for straight spouses working alone or in groups, therapists, counselors, group facilitators, librarians, families of gays/lesbians, and their mates.

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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Carol Grever, M.A., has been a successful businesswoman and English professor and now writes professionally. She is author of two books on straight spouse recovery, My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis, and My Spouse Came Out: A Straight Mate's Recovery Manual, co-authored by Dr. Deborah Bowman. Her unique documentary on the straight spouse dilemma, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, was just released. She is a recognized spokesperson on straight spouse issues, interviewed on major network shows, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, Anderson Cooper 360, The Early Show, Iyanla, and Inside Edition. Carol earned BA and MA degrees from Phillips University and Pacific University, respectively, and did doctoral work at Oklahoma State University. An adopted Coloradan, she lives and writes in Boulder.


Deborah Bowman, Ph.D., co-author of
When Your Spouse Comes Out, has worked with a wide range of issues as a clinical psychologist including the trauma facing straight spouses. She has over 17 years of experience in private practice. Her prior work in agencies includes the investigation of child abuse for Boulder County Social Services and serving the dying with Boulder County Hospice. As co-founder of the Boulder Women's Institute she specialized in facilitating sexual abuse survivor groups. She is a professional trainer with the Boulder Psychotherapy Institute offering courses in Gestalt therapy and dream work. Deborah has taught at Naropa University since 1990, where she founded the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology Program. She initiated several specializations in the program including Wilderness Therapy. Deborah holds a BA from Kansas University and earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Union Institute and University.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ The Haworth Press; 1st edition (January 17, 2008)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 176 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0789036290
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0789036292
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 11.6 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.98 x 0.4 x 9.02 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 19 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
19 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on August 27, 2017
I'm so relieved and happy for the resources available to me. Each new resource helps lift the fog. Thank you!
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2015
I'm really surprised more people aren't reading this book. It truly is a manual with descriptive and prescriptive information that serves as a guide to any straight spouse trying navigate this troubling time in their life. Each chapter is a small step toward understanding, action, and healing. What I really appreciate about the way the author's have laid out their guidebook is that no two experiences are the same in real life, and, they take great lengths to bring that out in the varied stories they present. I'm not a straight spouse..or a gay husband..but in reading through this book I was able to get an intimate inside-look at the complexities that make this such an unknown phenomenon, even to many counselors. But, in many ways, this experience is parallel to other marriages that involve unique disruptions including your basic betrayal by adultery, but it brings to mind cases I've seen that included a spouse who found out their spouse has a 2nd family in another state; a spouse who was embezzling from their friends; a spouse with an underage affair; a spouse who lost all most of their savings to gambling, and other infrequent challenges faced by some married couples. This book isn't for everyone but for those spouses looking for a resource to help them through their struggle..this is a great place to start.
6 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 17, 2019
Helpful, one of many tools one will need to get their head around a very difficult situation
2 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on May 28, 2012
I wish this book had been available when my first husband came out of the closet to me in the 1960's. Straight spouses and their children are fortunate to have this helpful resource available today. Grever and Bowman's book is divided into three sections and uses personal stories to illustrate some of the variety of ways people (1) discover their straight/gay marriages, (2) underlying psychological forces at work in such situations and (3) the secrets of building a positive new life. As the title suggests, practical, therapeutic advice is provided for adult partners facing their anger, health risks, sense of embarrassment and isolation and other common issues.
5 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2009
This much needed text by Carol Grever and Deb Bowman serves as an outstanding self-help resource for spouses and ex-spouses of men coming out during marriage. It is well-organized, thoughtful, sensitive, and insightful as Carol shares her personal and professional experiences in this difficult family crisis. Many women in this situation often feel isolated and as if they are terribly alone in coping with difficult decisions that must be made. This text provides exercises and guidelines for all who need this kind of guidance to survive and heal.
10 people found this helpful
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