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The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever Paperback – January 1, 2007

4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 189 ratings

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Praise for The Secrets of Happily Married Men

"Manly men rest assured: You can hope to become a better husband without having to get in touch with your feminine side. . . . Lively and entertaining, this broad guidebook provides Haltzman's insights illuminated by anecdotes from his online discussion forum for married men."
--
Psychology Today

"Haltzman . . . launches his eight strategies with remarkable vigor. More important, they are extraordinarily well fleshed out and convincingly supported with useful 'to do' lists and a multitude of examples. They will no doubt prove helpful to many men struggling to build a happy marriage."
--
Publisher's Weekly

"Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time. . . . View marriage as your most important task, Haltzman urges men, and pursue success as you would anything else that matters."
--
Washington Post

"Men are good at fixing problems, not talking about them, so Haltzman advises playing to your strength. The genius of this book is that it . . . asks politically incorrect questions about men and women at home--the neglected front in the gender wars."
--
New York Times

"The insights in this book reveal a new and effective way for men and women to understand and appreciate each other. It shows what it really takes to create a loving and lasting relationship."
--John Gray, author,
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Marriage and relationships are in crisis. The breakup and divorce rate remain incredibly high, despite all the couples therapy, afternoon talk shows, and other books in the marketplace, many of which describe men as abusive commitment phobic creeps who'd better change fast or else. But this new book is totally different, a whole different way of looking at how to build a successful long-lasting relationship from a man's point of view, men who are happy in their partnerships, who have figured out what works for them in accomplishing the goal of a loving, intimate, lifetime commitment. Dr. Scott Haltzman, Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University, and founder of www.secretsofmarriedmen.com, has devised a proven method for improving relationships, based on a man's special and unique skills, strengths, powers--as a responsible and motivated worker, manager, leader, problem-solver, partner, husband, and father. Men are different, Dr. Haltzman says. They don't approach relationships with the same skills and techniques that women do--and viva la difference. Dr.Haltzman therefore lays out eight ways, tasks, proven techniques which men have revealed in confidential correspondence to his highly successful website, including The First Way: Make Your Marriage Your Job, The Second Way: Know Your Wife, The Third Way: Be Home Now, The Fourth Way: Expect Conflict and Deal With It, The Fifth Way: Learn to Listen, The Sixth Way: Aim to Please, The Seventh Way: Understand the Truth About Sex, The Eighth Way: Introduce Yourself, and finally, Celebrate Your Love. Within each of these steps, he provides both specific analysis, guidelines and techniques based on male biology, neuro-science, brain differences, unique developmental stages from youth to seniority. To illustrate these ideas in action, he's included wonderful true stories, anecdotes, and confessions from the website. The result is a practical, very entertaining, totally original way to build successful relationships for men and their partners, girlfriends, and wives. For a lasting commitment, a continuing guide to solving inevitable problems and bumps in the road, for more fun, better sex, genuine intimacy, and a life-long partnership--this dynamic new author shows the way in a manner that finally includes an authentic male perspective.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

Praise for The Secrets of Happily Married Men

"Manly men rest assured: You can hope to become a better husband without having to get in touch with your feminine side. . . . Lively and entertaining, this broad guidebook provides Haltzman's insights illuminated by anecdotes from his online discussion forum for married men."
-- Psychology Today

"Haltzman . . . launches his eight strategies with remarkable vigor. More important, they are extraordinarily well fleshed out and convincingly supported with useful 'to do' lists and a multitude of examples. They will no doubt prove helpful to many men struggling to build a happy marriage."
-- Publisher's Weekly

"Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time. . . . View marriage as your most important task, Haltzman urges men, and pursue success as you would anything else that matters."
-- Washington Post

"Men are good at fixing problems, not talking about them, so Haltzman advises playing to your strength. The genius of this book is that it . . . asks politically incorrect questions about men and women at home-- the neglected front in the gender wars."
-- New York Times

"The insights in this book reveal a new and effective way for men and women to understand and appreciate each other. It shows what it really takes to create a loving and lasting relationship."
-- John Gray, author, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

About the Author

Dr. Scott Haltzman is clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, and medical director of NRI Community Services in Rhode Island. He also has an active private practice, with a focus on marriage counseling for individuals and couples. You can reach him at DrHaltzman@SecretsofMarriedMen.com.

Theresa Foy DiGeronimo is the author of more than thirty-five books in the fields of educationand parenting.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jossey-Bass Inc Pub; 1st edition (January 1, 2007)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 275 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0787994146
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0787994143
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 12 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 189 ratings

About the authors

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Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
4.3 out of 5
189 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on September 22, 2008
I bought this book for my live-in boyfriend who is dragging his feet about getting married. Needless to say, we haven't always gone about things the right way and our relationship hasn't exactly been perfect. So, I've read a LOT of relationship books lately. I decided I had better check it out before I handed over something that would overwhelm him if it was going to be THE book I gave him. And this is, by far, the best and most practical book I've read yet. It was just as beneficial a read for me as I think it would be for him.

Let me also just say that I am not a good reader- 20 pages at a time at BEST. This book was written in lay terms and the pages flew by. I read 270 pages in 3 days. It was really clear and really engaging. It was an easy read that I looked forward to. Don't get discouraged by one of the first chapters with all the brain and chemical stuff. It's only one chapter and the rest of the book is NOT like that. I plan to get it for many of the men I know for these reasons:

It is reaffirming for men. It says that most therapists don't have proper couple's training and licensing and that they insist that men act more like women. That is why men feel so frustrated. So, it gives real and practical suggestions and suggests that men approach a marriage from the same perspective that a man would approach his job- an area he generally feels pretty competent in. I think most men will like and can relate to this.

I found the author to be very pro-woman in his approach without demeaning men. He placed a high and equal value on both partners in the relationship. He just suggested that both need to reevaluate the way they look at things and that a change in attitude can go a long way.

Also guys, I found that he touched on every subject that I can think women take issue with or are confused by. As I was reading his suggestions, I think I would be truly happy with the outcome if they were applied; not expecting perfection, but recongnizing the effort. Don't ignore ANY sections because they are all things that are important to women- even the ones he spends only a paragraph on. Basically, that was what I interpreted his approach to be- to help you understand the way we view things and why we make your life miserable because of it. ;)

If you are going to try any relationship help book, I would suggest this one for men (but also valuable for women). You won't feel overwhelmed, it's practical, and it is written in a way you will enjoy reading it.
17 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 21, 2011
I liked this book. First, he makes the proposition that men are good at relationships, despite what the media and women say. He backs up his position with the latest research in to the male/female divide. Having read multiple books, none is new, but it is provided in a clear concise and organized manner. He structures the whole approach using man's workplace as a metaphor for how he should approach his primary relationship. Men are typically deeply invest in their work and generally are successful. The things, skills, and tools that work there and the relationships should work at home. He then goes on to explain how. From the authors perspective, it has become accepted that the female style of relating is the correct model, and he refutes that. That model doesn't play to men's strengths, and if the expectations are reasonably high, the likely outcome is failure, hence, men are bad at relationships, not true, just different. Now this book is geared for men, so one criticism is that is says little of the females responsibility, though I understand he has a book out dealing with that for women.

Bottom-line to all of this. You can be good at relationships. Use the tools you know and redirect them at your wife in a manner that will please her. She is different, and celebrate the differences. Learn some skills in the female mode to meet her needs (you need not "get in touch with your feminine side"), she is your wife after all. In doing this, she is more likely to meet your needs.

At least parts of this book would be good for women to read, particularly the discussion on the brain structures and how they intereact and how they are different between men and women. This leads to different behaviors and preferences of interacting. This is good stuff everyone should be aware of.

Some good suporting reads: Men are from Mars; His Needs, Her Needs; The 5 Love Languages
5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Melida
5.0 out of 5 stars It was extremely challenge to him to start reading the book because a man like him does not need this book - he already ...
Reviewed in Canada on October 9, 2016
I bought this book for my husband with intention of making him aware that his attitude needs to be changed. I asked him not to just read but study the book by critically analyzing it. It was extremely challenge to him to start reading the book because a man like him does not need this book - he already was a "mister perfect". As he finally started and progressing (of course tremendously slow) on reading, I noticed big changes on him. He was getting more open minded. The best book
Amazon Customer
4.0 out of 5 stars I am sure this is a great book. I gifted to my husband as the ...
Reviewed in India on June 30, 2016
Hahah..I am sure this is a great book. I gifted to my husband as the anniversary gift and he hasn't read it beyond its forward but I read some of it, and liked it. very practical, very tactical. smart book.
Mark
5.0 out of 5 stars brilliant, finally a book which speaks from a real mans position
Reviewed in Australia on February 9, 2014
I have read many books on relationships and when ever we have problems in our marriage we go to marriage counselling, but I have never learned such worthwhile skills as I have in this book. This book has taught me to celebrate our manhood, our masculinity and be 100 percent a man and then use our skills to help our wife be 100 percent woman and help her to be as content, protected and loved as she can. I have learned a lot of stuff about myself and that of my wife and dispelled many an incorrect presumption, many of which were blocks in my marriage.

I will re-read this book now, to go over what it has said. Ps I hardly ever re-read a book, but this one has so much to offer and I want to fully grasp it. I want more than anything to embrace all that I am, and then to bring my fullness to my marriage , with skill and knowledge.

Ps I have been implementing this stuff over the last two weeks of reading this book and there are substantial improvements in our marriage already. Bring on the good times. Looking forward to being more of a man in my marriage and my wife more of a woman.

Exciting times

Mark raymond 42 married for ten years
Persephone
1.0 out of 5 stars Downright offensive to wives!
Reviewed in Canada on March 14, 2015
This book is just plain insulting to wives! It should be titled "How to keep your wife happy so she meets all your needs." One would think that to write a book about winning your wife's heart, you would actually research women's needs, but the author starts off by explaining how he used the posts of hundreds of MEN on his website to come up with his plan. He encourages men to look at marriage as a job and actually instructs them to make a "job description chart" with chores like "praised her," "told her I adore her," "told her I understand her," and spots to check off each one daily. I would be horrified to know that my husband is sitting and listening to me - following Mr. Haltzman's rules of making eye contact and saying "I understand" just so he can "meet my payroll" and keep me happy in the marriage! At one point he even refers to the "useful and healthy use of porn." He also has the nerve to say that most marriage counselling is useless (except his own, of course) and that couples should save their money and purchase his book instead!
Nowhere does he mention actually connecting with your wife in order to meet her needs.
If you really want to have a deeper, loving connection to your wife, try reading these books instead:
For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Connecting With Your Wife by Barbara Rosberg
If Only He Knew by Gary Smalley
52 Things Wives Need From Their Husbands: What Husbands Can Do to Build a Stronger Marriage by Jay Payleitner
Becoming Soul Mates by Les and Leslie Parrott

Normally we donate our used books to the local book sale for charity. This one will go exactly where it belongs - in the garbage!
2 people found this helpful
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Michael
1.0 out of 5 stars The book is useful if your relationship fits the mould of the stereotype
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 15, 2015
Everyone is seeming to rave about this book - but sadly I find it a load of tosh {bollocks}. Whilst the advice given is sensible, clear and uses a step wise approach, the premise of many of the assumptions are flawed and based upon gender stereotypes. For example - when she speaks, do not move and listen to what she saying. ... - so what happens when she chooses not to speak?? Turn off the TV and try to spend time with her (this assumes each and every man is sat watching telly - and that his dearly beloved is yearning for his attention / affection. Clearly this misses out women who are decidedly wanting to disengage their time from any meaningful dialogue and whom themselves, have chosen to watch tv and not communicate. The book is helpful if your relationship fits the mould of the stereotype, and for those that need this - it is useful to have this 'manual' ready to refer to. However - we live in the 21st C. Women's thoughts and desires are as diverse as ever - and men; well not all men work the same nor do they all harbour the same interests or indeed - have the same problems/issues of the 'typical man' but none such exists anymore. I really felt that the assumptions made to start each point off were flawed and do not reflect the modern realities of many people - not mine, certainly and for that reason, I could not recommend anyone buying this with praise. If it were considerably cheaper - then perhaps of the few tidbits that maybe helpful; but as it is, sadly not in my view.