Don't Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family

Simple Ways to Keep Daily Responsibilities and Household Chaos from Taking Over Your Life

Hyperion

CHAPTER 1

SET A POSITIVE EMOTIONAL CLIMATE

Just like a garden that flourishes best under certain conditions, your homeoperates more smoothly when the emotional climate is well thought out. Ratherthan simply reacting to each crisis and circumstance as it arises, setting anemotional climate gives you a head start in fending off potential sources ofstress and conflict. It helps you respond to life rather than react to it.

When trying to determine the ideal emotional environment for yourself and/oryour family, there are several important questions to ask yourself: What type ofperson are you? What type of environment do you enjoy and thrive in? Do you wishyour home were more peaceful? These types of questions are critical in order toset the optimal emotional climate.

The creation of an emotional climate has more to do with your inner preferencesthan your external environment. For example, the placement of your furniture orthe colors of your walls or carpet can contribute to the emotional environmentbut are not the most critical ingredients. Your emotional environment isprimarily made up of things like noise levels, the speed of activity (iseveryone rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off?), the respect ofone another, and the willingness (or lack of willingness) to sit still andlisten.

In our home, for example, we have determined that our goal is to create andmaintain an environment of relative calm. Although we often fall short of ourgoal, we do take steps to put the odds in our favor. For example, although weall love spending time together, and we very often do, each of us also enjoysspending time alone in our home. The simple recognition that being alone isthought of as positive, rather than as negative, makes it easier for all of usto be sensitive to the noise, activity, and chaos levels that are occurring atany given moment. We have learned to sense when one of us needs a quieterenvironment or the space to be alone.

Another thing we try to do is to keep unnecessary rushing around to a minimum.Even though our children are only eight and five years old, we have discussedthis issue many times. As a family, we have agreed to work on this tendency asindividuals as well as in our interactions together. For example, if I fall intomy habit of rushing around, trying to do too many things at once, I've given mychildren permission to gently remind me to slow down. They know that keeping asane pace is important to the quality of our life at home and they feelcomfortable reminding me when I'm interfering with this goal.

Obviously, the ideal emotional environment is going to be different from home tohome. However, I think you'll find that if you spend a little time reflecting onwhat type of environment you would most prefer, you'll see relatively simplechanges that you can begin to implement. Be patient with this one. It may havetaken many years to create your current emotional environment, so it may take alittle time to create a new one. Over time, I'm fairly certain you'll find thisstrategy extremely rewarding.

CHAPTER 2

GIVE YOURSELF AN EXTRA TEN MINUTES

When you ask a typical person or family about what stresses them out the most,it's rare that someone doesn't include the fact that they are almost alwaysrunning "a few minutes behind." Whether you're off to a soccer match, work, theairport, a neighborhood picnic, a typical day at school, or church, it seemsthat most of us almost always find a way to wait until the last possible minuteto leave, thus running a little late. This tendency creates a great deal ofunnecessary stress as we're constantly thinking about who is waiting for us, howfar we are behind schedule, and how often this occurs. Invariably, we end upclutching the steering wheel, tightening our neck, and worrying about theconsequences of being late. Running late makes us feel stressed out andencourages us to sweat the small stuff!

This ever-so-common problem is easily solved by simply giving yourself an extraten minutes to get yourself and your family to your appointments. Irrespectiveof where you're headed, tell yourself that, no matter what, you're going to beten minutes early instead of waiting until the last possible moment torush out the door.

The key, of course, is to start getting ready a little earlier than usual and tobe sure you're all-the-way ready before you start doing something else. I can'ttell you how much this simple strategy has helped me in my own life. Rather thanconstantly scrambling to find my daughters' shoes or my wallet at the lastpossible moment, I'm now usually ready with plenty of time to spare. Don't kidyourself that these extra ten minutes aren't significant—they are. Theextra few minutes before and between activities can be the difference between astressful day and a joyful day. In addition, you'll discover that when you'renot running late you'll be able to enjoy rather than rush through the differentthings you do each day. Even simple, ordinary events can be great fun whenyou're not in such a hurry.

When you're done with one activity, leave a little earlier for the next one.When possible, try to schedule your activities, work, play, and everything elsea little further apart. Finally, don't overschedule. Allow for some downtime,time where absolutely nothing is scheduled.

If you implement this strategy, you'll be amazed at how much more relaxed yourlife will seem. The constant sense of pressure, of rushing around, scrambling,will be replaced with a quiet sense of peace.

CHAPTER 3

KEEP IN MIND THAT A HAPPY SPOUSE IS A HELPING SPOUSE

This is such an obvious concept that I'm almost embarrassed to write about it.Yet, I've found that very few marriages take advantage of the truly remarkableramifications of this strategy. The idea, of course, is that when your spouse ishappy and feels appreciated, he or she will want to be of help to you! On theother hand, when your spouse feels unhappy and/or taken for granted, the lastthing in the world he or she will feel like doing is making your lifeeasier!

Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm not suggesting that it's yourresponsibility to make your spouse happy. It's ultimately up to each person tomake that happen for himself or herself. We do, however, play a significant rolein whether or not our spouses feel appreciated. Think about your own situationfor a moment. How often do you genuinely thank your spouse for all thehard work he or she does on your behalf? I've met hundreds of people who admitto virtually never thanking their spouses in this way, and almost no one whodoes so on a regular basis.

Your spouse is your partner. Ideally, you'd treat your partner as you would yourbest friend. If your best friend, for example, said to you, "I would love to getaway by myself for a few days," what would you say? In most cases, you'dprobably come back with something like, "That sounds great. You deserve it. Youshould do it." But if your spouse said exactly the same thing, wouldyour reaction be the same? Or would you think about how his or her request wouldaffect you? Would you feel put out, defensive, or resentful? Is a good friendmore concerned with himself or herself, or with the happiness of the otherperson? Do you think it's a coincidence that your good friends love to help youwhenever possible?

Obviously, you can't always treat your spouse in exactly the same way you wouldyour other good friends. After all, running a marriage and/or a household aswell as a joint budget carries with it a great deal of responsibility. However,the dynamic can be similar. For example, if a good friend came over and cleanedyour house and then took the time to make your dinner, what would you say? Howwould you react? If your spouse does the very same thing, doesn't he or shedeserve the same recognition and gratitude? Most certainly. Whether our jobsinvolve staying at home, working out of the house, or some combination of thetwo, we all love and deserve to be appreciated. And when we don't feel taken forgranted, our natural instinct is to be of help.

Almost nothing is more predictable than the way people respond when they feelappreciated and valued. Both my wife and I genuinely appreciate each other andtry to remember to never take each other for granted. I love it when Kris tellsme how much she appreciates all my hard work, and she continues to let me know,even after more than thirteen years of marriage. I also try to remember toacknowledge and express my gratitude daily for her hard work and for herenormous contribution to our family. The result is that we both love to dothings for each other—not just out of obligation but because we know thatwe are appreciated.

You may be doing the same thing already. If so, keep it up. But if not, it'snever too late to start. Ask yourself, What could I do to express my gratitudetoward my spouse even more than I already do? Usually, the answer is verysimple. Make an ongoing effort to say "Thank you," and do so genuinely. Keep inmind not so much what you are doing for the relationship, but what your spouseis doing. Express your gratitude and appreciation. I bet you'll notice what allhappy couples do—that the happier and more appreciated your spouse feels,the more often he or she will reach out to help you.

CHAPTER 4

LEARN FROM KIDS AS THEY LIVE IN THE MOMENT

This strategy is workable whether or not you have children living at home, oreven if you've never had kids of your own. You can spend time around otherpeople's children, or simply observe them at a local park. While it's certainlynot always true, for the most part children naturally live in the moment. Thisis especially true for younger kids.

To experience life in the "present moment" is not a mysterious endeavor, nor isit any big deal. Essentially, all it involves is putting less attention onworries, concerns, regrets, mistakes, "what's wrong," things yet to be done,things that bother you, the future, and the past. Living in the present simplymeans living life now, with your attention fully engaged in this present moment,not allowing your mind to carry you away to experiences removed from thismoment. When you manage to do this, you not only enjoy the moment you areexperiencing to the fullest extent possible, you also bring out the best in yourperformance and creativity because you are far less distracted by your wants,needs, and concerns.

Happy people know that regardless of what happened yesterday, last month, yearsago—or what might happen later today, tomorrow, or next year—now isthe only place where happiness can actually be found and experienced. Obviously,this doesn't mean you aren't affected by, or that you don't learn from, yourpast—or that you don't plan for tomorrow (or for retirement and so forth),only that you understand that your most effective, powerful, and positive energyis the energy of today—the energy of right now. When you're bothered orupset, it's usually over something that is over or something else that is yet tobe.

Children intuitively understand that life is a series of present moments, eachmeant to be experienced wholly, one right after another, as if each one isimportant. They immerse themselves in the present and offer their full attentionto the person they are with. I remember an endearing incident that occurred fiveor six years ago. My wife and I had hired a baby-sitter to watch our then two-year-old while we went out for the evening. My daughter and I were playing inher sandbox, having a great time together, when the sitter arrived. As I stoodto leave, my daughter let out a fierce scream of disapproval. It was as if shewere saying, "How dare you interrupt our fun together!" She yelled and screamedand complained that she didn't want the sitter—it had to be me.But, shortly after we "escaped," I realized that I had forgotten my car keys andI went inside to get them. I peeked out the back door and saw that my daughterwas all smiles and laughter, playing, once again, in the sandbox. She wasabsorbed in her beautiful present moments. She had completely let go of thepast—even though the past was only a few minutes old.

How often does an adult effectively do that? A psychologist or cynic might sayshe was being manipulative toward me—and there may be a grain of truth inthat assumption. However, a happy person would recognize that she was simplyvoicing her strong objection in one moment and then moving on to the next. OnceI had left the scene, she freely returned her focus to the here and now—anexcellent lesson for us all.

As you take this strategy to heart, you will discover that being able to immerseyourself in the present moment is a worthwhile quality to strive for. Doing sogives you the capacity to experience ordinary events in an extraordinaryfashion. You will spend far less time being bothered by life, while spendingmore time enjoying it. You'll spend less energy convincing yourself that rightnow isn't good enough and more time enjoying the special moment you arein—this one.

CHAPTER 5

PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY

Your home is your haven, an escape from the outside world. When you allow toomuch of the craziness from the outside to enter your home, you eliminate, or atleast reduce, a potential source of peace. While most of us are concerned withprotecting our physical safety, and will take steps to secure it, we oftenforget or even neglect our emotional and spiritual "safety." We can do this, atleast in part, by honoring our need for some degree of privacy.

Protecting and respecting your own privacy is a statement to yourself and othersthat you value yourself and your own peace of mind. It suggests that your sanityand happiness are extremely important. Your home is one of the few places where,in most instances, you have some degree of control over what enters and whatdoesn't. Home is often a place where you have the power to say no.

Protecting your privacy can involve many things. It might mean letting youranswering machine pick up your messages or screen your calls so that you don'thave to. Often, out of pure habit, we rush to pick up the phone when we reallydon't want to talk to anyone. Is it any wonder we feel overwhelmed or crowded? Ihave a general policy that I won't answer the phone when I feel like being aloneor when I'm already with someone in my family who wants or needs my attention.Why is it that we interrupt the ones we love to answer a call from someone wemay not even know?

If you have children, you might try putting a cap on the number of friends youinvite to come over in any given week. You do this not to create an antisocialenvironment but to create a sense of balance and harmony within the home. Atvarious times over the years, my wife and I have felt that our home has seemedmore like a train station or busy bus stop than it has a retreat. By simplyacknowledging our desire to create a more peaceful environment and by making afew minor adjustments to protect our privacy, we have been able to bring thatbalance back into focus.

You can learn to say no more often to requests that would bring you away fromyour home, and you can learn to reduce your invitations to friends andothers to enter your home. Again, you do this not to become a hermit or toalienate your friends and family but to protect and honor your need for privacy.When you do so, you'll notice a significant difference in the way you feel.You'll feel more nurtured and peaceful. And when you do invite others into yourhome, and when you accept those gracious invitations from others, you will do soknowing that you are doing so from a place of genuine desire rather than becauseyou feel pressured to do so, out of obligation.

We all need some degree of privacy. When you enter your home, know that it isyour own. Whether you rent a small room in someone else's house, occupy anapartment, or own your own home, honor your need for privacy. Before too long,things won't get to you as much.
(Continues...)Excerpted from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family by Richard Carlson. Copyright © 1998 Richard Carlson. Excerpted by permission of Hyperion.
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