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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World Paperback – May 30, 2006

by Alan Downs (Author)

4.7 3,803 ratings

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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition
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The gay male world today is characterized by seductive beauty, artful creativity, flamboyant sexuality, and, encouragingly, unprecedented acceptability in society. Yet despite the progress of the recent past, gay men still find themselves asking, "Are we really better off?" The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a fa?ade of beauty, creativity, or material success. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author's own journey to be free of anger and of shame, as well as the stories of many of his friends and clients, The Velvet Rage outlines the three distinct stages to emotional well-being for gay men. Offering profoundly beneficial strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior, The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that will influence the public discourse on gay culture, and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.

Editorial Reviews

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"Those familiar with gay men will find a good deal of honest reporting here. Without being maudlin, Downs, himself a gay man, writes movingly."―Library Journal, -

"Peppered with deeply personal reflections... There's no doubt that the men profiled in this sober call for "owning the injury" of growing up gay in a straight world were helped by their counseling, or that there are certainly some readers who will find their own lives reflected in that healing."―Q Syndicate, -

"[An] excellent new book...The Velvet Rage is a chronicle of furtive pathos, anger, compensatory fabulousness, despair, sex addiction, and flickerings of hope as its wounded actors make their way by uncertain stages toward a light of authenticity and self-acceptance their culture does not want them to find or even see. In its pages, through anecdotal moments and analytical passages, one is constantly catching glints of people one has known, behaviors one has seen and heard firsthand and often been baffled and hurt by."―San Francisco Bay Guardian, -

"Dr. Alan Downs has some words of wisdom....Although unnerving at first, readers might feel kinship with the case study subjects and ultimately, become empowered by the lessons learned and by the self-realizations experienced."―New City Chicago, -

"While we can all hope that the collective experience will change in time, Downs' perspective is still all too relevant."―AOL's Book Maven, -

About the Author

Alan Downs, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist practicing in Santa Fe, New Mexico. His fifteen years of treating clients have already been reflected in numerous books about both leadership and self-help. A personal and professional milestone, The Velvet Rage is his first book about the psychology of gay life.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Da Capo Lifelong Books; 60508th edition (May 30, 2006)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0738210617
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0738210612
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.75 x 8 inches

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4.7 3,803 ratings

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Alan Downs

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Alan Downs, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who lives in Palm Springs, California. He is the author of seven books in the field of psychology and a sought-after public speaker. He is currently focusing primarily on his clinical work and writings for gay men. Dr. Downs is the former CEO of Michael's House Treatment Center in Palm Springs, California and has been an intensively trained Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist for the past twenty years. His current book, THE VELVET RAGE, has been acclaimed as "groundbreaking" and "the bible for the gay men". Dr. Downs has been a guest on many media programs including, THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, TODAY SHOW, and NPR's MORNING EDITION.

Dr. Downs's influence as a thought leader for gay men is worldwide and continues to grow. In 2018, London's premier fashion designer, Charles Jeffrey "Loverboy", in an interview with VOGUE credited THE VELVET RAGE for inspiring his Fall line of clothing. Later that same year, television producer Ryan Murphy referenced the influence of THE VELVET RAGE in a published interview with THE NEW YORKER magazine in an article titled "Why Ryan Murphy is the Most Powerful Man in Television".

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R. Valentine

Easily in the top 3 of the most important books I have ever read

Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2023

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Life changing. Relationship changing. Healing. Insightful and overflowing with "aha!" moments. I wish I had had this book 25 years ago. This should be required reading for every gay man on the planet. Do keep in mind, that I do believe (as I think does the author) that the grand scope of these concepts are not limited to gay men. But the book is definitely written through that lens. Currently trying to bribe my husband to read it (he's not much of a book person.) But seriously Alan Downs... this is pure brilliance. And I am deeply grateful for the healing.

4 people found this helpful

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JW

Valuable insight that can change your life.

Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2015

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If you are willing to look at yourself in an honest & compassionate way, don't forget that part it's very important, and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever. Alan observes that gay men grow up in a world where they were forced to hide themselves. This was very true for me, Doctor Downs then asserts that also later in life the gay man never develops their own authenticity & thus is not able to experience real joy in life, because of toxic shame. The gay man then exhibits all the stereotypical behaviors that we all know gay men exhibit, this is done to compensate for or avoid that shame which it really doesn't. Some things that the gay man does, some of which I had done myself, to avoid toxic shame are: their insatiable taste for fast & furious sex, equally fast & furious relationships with men, the quest for the perfect body (their own or someone else's), the perfect sexual partner (of the moment), the perfect latest styles, the perfect decorated home in the perfect zip code, the performing flawlessly at their perfect job, having the the perfect social life with their perfect friends, lastly the perfectly caddy condemning judgmental social behaviors that might be entertaining for awhile but really don't serve anyone, least of all the man doing them. Where does the rage come in all of this? Well, when the gay man doesn't get their way in any of the above & a circumstance reveals any of those things above in life that are not perfect, that one hair out of place, being caught wearing last seasons fashions, or anything that would reveal the gay man to be human & imperfect, out comes the little shame monster & the velvet rage. Do you see your own pattern in yourself in any of those? Don't worry, I did... And to be honest it caused me to put down the book for awhile, because I wasn't ready. I dint have the understanding or compassion for myself. The day eventually came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read. I know not all gay men express themselves in the ways I mentioned, but sadly many do. If you do, and want to find a way out of that & have a real life filled with joy then read this book! Alan Downs gives you the tools here to practice living a joyful authentic life.
Namaste

9 people found this helpful

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TB

Insightful read for a gay audience

Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2010

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This book has a number of flaws, but it's a fantastic read for most gay males. The book is a rather depressing and honest look at how many gays can lead an unexamined life of self-filling misery, validation, shame avoidance, and entitlement that begins with shame from their childhood. Yet, despite that gay males participate in this spiral of shame avoidance, they rile against it and claim to be above it.

I doubted the main thesis of the book, but the author quickly proves much of it. As a 30 year old gay male with some life experiences under his belt, I saw parts of it in myself. And, I see much of the book's lessons in my friends or my previous relationship. This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship. Or, it's a great book for someone who was cheated on while in a good relationship. You shouldn't necessarily take the blame and this book tells you why.

I don't think I would recommend anyone who is not sure about their sexuality to read the entire book. Likewise, I would have a hard time having a family member read it unless I guided them through some of it with discussions. It truly is an honest, difficult look at the development of many gay males and their behaviors.

My one gripe with the book was that the last section on authenticity and honesty was too negative and not constructive enough. It almost makes it sound like this stage of life can only be achieved through a life of hard knocks. The book lays the ground work for getting to authenticity by facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely. However, the book presents very few cases of gay relationships where both men are truly authentic to themselves, their partners, and everyone else.

Overall, a great read for any gay male that is ready to self-examine his development, behaviors, relationships, and life direction in an honest manner.

5 people found this helpful

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Danny

Insightful perspective

Reviewed in the United States on February 29, 2024

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I have mixed feelings about this book. I thoroughly enjoyed it and as a gay man a relate to much of what is said. Where is struggle is the way the author makes the perspective universal that “all gay men” feel this way or experience this. While I could relate to a lot other stuff was not me at all. I do think it is an excellent book for gay men to read and especially for parents with gay children to read.

2 people found this helpful

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D. Mooney

A book with flaws that speaks truth to gay men and can save lives

Reviewed in the United States on February 22, 2024

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The book is based on the author’s experience as a therapist.

In summary, the childhood and adolescent years of gay men can leave us mentally scarred and this damage may manifest later in life. Shame and terror that we might think extirpated, can just return.

This is something we need to know for ourselves and our friends. Understanding this is the beginning.

One person found this helpful

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Dogu S.

Love the book

Reviewed in Germany on April 30, 2023

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Wonderful book. The relatability to everything the author has put is amazing. I’d say a must read for all gay males navigating through the challenges of life in this era. So relatable, super relevant.

Jean

Important book

Reviewed in Brazil on April 8, 2021

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Awesome this is an importante book to comprehend the challenges people live.

One person found this helpful

Milo Bagno

Ok ma il libro è leggermente rovinato/consumato

Reviewed in Italy on July 23, 2022

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Ok ma il libro è leggermente rovinato/consumato

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Jorge González

Very recommended literature.

Reviewed in Mexico on July 30, 2017

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I feel that, for a homosexual man, reading this book works like visits to the psychiatrist. It allows you to get to understand yourself better how your mind and personality has been influenced throughout the years by the rejection of the people around you while they point fingers at you. And for those around gay people who are family and friends, it gives a windows to the feelings they grow up with and the great positive impact that it has on the gay people when they experience their acceptance. Since it is nowadays absolutely likely that all count at least a homosexual person among our friends or family, this book is highly recommended to everybody.

2 people found this helpful

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Marc

Must-read

Reviewed in Spain on March 22, 2019

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Todo el mundo debería leer este libro, tenga la orientación sexual que tenga. Hay mucha realidad donde mucho/as se podran sentir reflejados.

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