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Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide Paperback – May 20, 2008

by Mikki Morrissette (Author)
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 116 ratings
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The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming a mother—includes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child’s questions and needs over time.

Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores common questions and concerns of women facing this decision, including:

• Can I afford to do this?
• Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner?
• How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting?
• What the research says about growing up in a single-parent household
• How to answer a child’s “daddy” questions
• The facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor
• How the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their lives

Written in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    448 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Mariner Books
  4. Publication date
    May 20, 2008
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 1.05 x 8.25 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0618833323
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0618833320
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

MIKKI MORRISSETTE is a Choice Mother of two and a longtime journalist. She has been both a writer and an editor at Time Inc. and has written and edited special projects for The New York Times. She lives with her children in Minneapolis, where she maintains the ChoiceMoms.org website, and travels around the world hosting workshops for single women who are contemplating and making this choice.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

I was one of the lucky ones. Before I became a Choice Mom, I was oblivious to the issues that many Thinking Women face. I didn’t worry about whether I could afford it, because I had a high-paying job. I didn’t worry about whether I could handle the stress of solo parenting, because I assumed that I could handle anything. I didn’t grieve the fact that I was embarking on motherhood without a lifetime partner, because I had never been a fan of convention. So I was lucky — at the start, anyway. Ignorance can be bliss.
Shortly after I became pregnant I started to freak out about whether I would actually like being a mother. Maybe I’d been foolish to think it was the logical next step of my life . . . maybe I was supposed to stay solo, traveling and writing and having experiences as a lone wanderer in the universe. Wouldn’t my life stop if I was locked inside four walls changing diapers and, ohmigod, actually preparing three meals a day, and helping someone else turn into a person who had experiences? Bump.
After my daughter was born, in that first year of often lonesome, scary motherhood I discovered many moments of sadness that I wasn’t sharing her development, and mine, with someone else. My local friends were single and childless, with no real interest in being part of my motherhood journey. My family was literally a thousand miles away. I didn’t have a childhood dream of “husband, wife, and kids” to grieve, but I found myself grieving something I couldn’t even define. Bump.
After three months of unpaid leave, I was ready to return to my well-paid job — only to learn that I was being “eliminated.” CRASH!
Talk about a rude awakening to the realities of life. In hindsight, I’m happy I was oblivious beforehand to how much my life would change. After talking to more than 100 women about their struggles in reaching this decision — and their struggles after — I understand how lucky I was to avoid many of the typical concerns before Sophie was born. Although I had no regrets about being a Choice Mom, my hard-won lessons about the bumps in the road made it more difficult to make a decision the second time. It took about two years of inner debate before I chose Choice Motherhood again, and Dylan was born.
Today’s Choice Mothers feel less stigma about their decision than did pioneers of the 1980s. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice. Women today tend to focus less on whether having a child will be seen as “legitimate” for her and the child, and more on whether the decision itself is a legitimate one: Will I have the strength and energy to be a good mother? Do I have the financial, emotional, and support resources to pull it off? Should I wait a little longer to see if life turns a new corner? If you’re struggling with some of the typical “Should I?” conflicts, the next four chapters have been written to help you through.
“Am I Single-Mom Material?” looks at some of the most common reasons women hesitate as they contemplate this choice.
“Can I Afford It?” explores the number one issue of concern, finances, based on results of an informal survey I did in 2003.
“Grieving the Childhood Dream” includes personal stories of women who came to this decision reluctantly, having dreamed for years of raising children with a lifetime partner.
“Will My Community Accept Us?” examines the disapproval women have faced from family, friends, and other members of their local network. It also revisits the national conversation Vice President Dan Quayle launched in 1992 about Choice Motherhood when he decried the TV show Murphy Brown for mocking the importance of fathers.

NOTE: These are very common concerns. While the material here is ultimately reassuring — so many women have addressed them and gone on to Choice Motherhood — there are many more women who have chosen not to become a single mother because of these questions. Listen closely to yourself.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Mariner Books; 0 edition (May 20, 2008)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 448 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0618833323
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0618833320
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 15.5 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 1.05 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 116 ratings

About the author

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Mikki Morrissette

Mikki Morrissette

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After 18 years as an editor/writer in NYC, I transitioned into a very different life as a Choice Mom (a term I coined for single mothers by choice in my award-winning book "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide"). I moved back to my home state of Minnesota, proactively had a second child on my own, never returned to corporate life, and developed Be-Mondo Publishing, to tell stories to effect individual and collective change.

I created a robust ChoiceMoms.org website with more than 400 articles for women in every stage of the journey; the Choice Chat podcast (more than 60,000 downloads); a series of e-guides for single women; and discussion groups and e-newsletter that serves thousands of women. I have hosted more than 25 networking events for Choice Moms, in places ranging from London to Toronto to Austin, Texas.

With a group of middle school students, I published "Be the Change: The Paul and Sheila Wellstone Story." The youth interviewed 12 family, friends and colleagues of the Wellstones, to learn about their amazing abilities to make a difference -- in grassroots politics, in issues of mental health and domestic violence, in inspiring youth, and as parents.

I continue to write and host events about making individual and collective change.

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
116 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Anon
5.0 out of 5 stars Great content, helped make my decision
Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2018
Verified Purchase
Great information. After a lot of thinking, and considering all the points in this book: turns out it's not for me, and I'm grateful for the honest, non-judgemental content in this book that allowed me to make an informed decision.
In case anyone was wondering, here's why I chose NOT to / my personal takeaways:
- Living in the U.S. the cases of child kidnapping (aka CPS) are just too great in number. Especially in my state, apparently after further research, I just don't feel SAFE having a child due to the way the government/CPS operates, basically officially and un-officially stripping you of many of your rights as soon as you become a parent.
- I'm concerned about not having as many strong male role models in my life at this point - I will need to work on myself and my relationships with others first, if #1 were not an issue, before I would consider bringing a child into the world. It's VERY important to have a strong support network in place before having a baby.
3 people found this helpful
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B. Brooks
5.0 out of 5 stars I couldn't put the book down!
Reviewed in the United States on May 14, 2008
Verified Purchase
I received this book on Friday and was done reading it by the following Monday. It was well written and ridiculously helpful. I have chosen to take the route of being a single mother, and this is the first book I've read that looks at all aspects (including being a single lesbian mother) as well as providing suggestions of other books to read (which I have ordered recently as well.) I highly recommend this book for any womyn that is debating the question of Single Motherhood. The book is full of insightful questions that really made me stop and think about whether I was truly ready for this next step. It is a must read!
9 people found this helpful
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A. Chapman
4.0 out of 5 stars What a great "starter manual!"
Reviewed in the United States on November 28, 2011
Verified Purchase
This book discusses so many aspects of single motherhood that a potential mother might worry about. The advice is sound and both sides of each complex issue are presented fairly. It doesn't lead you to a specific answer, but does provide enough information to allow you to add to whatever information you already have to make a decision. I highly recommend this and am happy I bought it, rather than checked it out at a library. It will be a good manual during my journey.

The one downside is I would have liked to have seen more specifics when it comes to telling people, including the child, about the father. Most of the books I've read - or the items online - give general advice. But what I think a lot of us want to know is, "What actual and specific words did you use?" (whether the words worked or not).

But I highly recommend this book.
6 people found this helpful
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Stacey Dolan
5.0 out of 5 stars Informative and confidence-building.
Reviewed in the United States on February 10, 2020
Verified Purchase
I was completely torn over my decision of whether to become a single mother and this book helped ground me and feel more confident in my decision. It also really helped me feel less alone reading about other women’s experiences, as I don’t know any single mothers by choice in my own personal life. It’s also well-written and easily holds your attention making it a quick read.
3 people found this helpful
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Annie
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly Recommended! just what i wanted
Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2017
Verified Purchase
I am really enjoying this book. it was just what i needed! Covers a large verity of topics in an accessible way with good references and resources. Book intermingles authors personal experience, other's stories and lots of well researched psychoeducation. Has encouraged me to consider several topics i had not yet as well as clarified several perspectives of issues i have wondered about. Highly recommended​ for anyone considering becoming a single mother by choice. This would not be overly relevant to a child who have become single after the child's birth.
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MonieJ
4.0 out of 5 stars Good read
Reviewed in the United States on February 4, 2019
Verified Purchase
I liked the detailed description of the ups and downs of being a SMC. I enjoyed hearing from older kids about how being donor conceived affected them if it did. This is a great read if you’re a “Thinker” like myself who plans to go down this route in the future.
2 people found this helpful
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Aloulow
5.0 out of 5 stars I have really enjoyed reading this book
Reviewed in the United States on January 23, 2017
Verified Purchase
I have really enjoyed reading this book. I have already decided to become a choice mother, however this book really helped me articulate my feelings better, and gave me tools to talk to family members who have questions.
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R. Lynn
4.0 out of 5 stars A Bit Heavy-Handed, But Great Resource
Reviewed in the United States on October 21, 2008
Verified Purchase
Light on humor and heavy on the serious issues surrounding single motherhood. Too much for one sitting, but I'll keep it as a resource. In my experience, some of the issues, such as being judged by one's community for being a single mom, are not as relevant today, at least in my area. If you're secure in your decision to be a single mom, others will take their cue from you.
2 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Luiza
5.0 out of 5 stars Livro completo, sincero, mas merecia uns cortes
Reviewed in Brazil on April 30, 2020
Verified Purchase
O livro me pareceu bastante completo e sincero. Um ponto ruim é ser grande demais e nem tudo se aplicar ao Brasil. De todo modo, vale a pena a leitura... ainda que se pulem alguns pontos menos relevantes.
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April B.
4.0 out of 5 stars Exactly what I was looking for
Reviewed in France on June 6, 2017
Verified Purchase
This book is surprisingly good. It addresses all the subjets that are weighing on my mind in the decision to become a single mother with a known donor. Lots of info about child psychology and the daddy question, which I find very helpful. I would definitely recommend this book to any single mom.
One person found this helpful
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Lyssa
4.0 out of 5 stars Hilfreich aber sehr US spezifisch
Reviewed in Germany on September 22, 2016
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Ein enorm hilfreiches Buch für alle Singlefrauen mit Kinderwunsch, das alle wichtigen Punkte anspricht, die vor einer solchen Entscheidung be- und durchdacht sein wollen. Vom medizinischen, über finanzielle bis hin zu emotionalen und psychologischen Aspekten.

Während einige Probleme von US-Amerikanerinnen sich nicht von denen von Europäerinnen unterscheiden (Wird mein Kind darunter leiden keinen Vater zu haben? / Wie erkläre ich es meinem Umfeld? etc.) sind andere Überlegungen sehr spezifisch durch die US-amerikanische Gesellschaft geprägt. So gibt es ein längeres Kapitel über "interracial adoption" in dem nicht nur über Umgang mit unterschiedlichem Äußeren und entsprechenden Fragen des Kindes gesprochen wird (soweit, so nachvollziehbar) sondern auch über die "cultural identity" eines schwarzen Säuglings, mit dem man dann bitte eine entsprechende Kirchengemeinde besuchen soll um das Kind nicht seiner Wurzeln und seines Glaubens zu berauben. Das lies mich etwas kopfschüttelnd zurück.

Sonst aber ein sehr empfehlenswertes Buch und eine gute Ergänzung zu "Mutter Spender Kind".
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Tanja
5.0 out of 5 stars Worth every penny
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 6, 2015
Verified Purchase
It is a great book with some solid advice, gives plenty to think about if you are in the stage when you are contemplating single motherhood but also picks up on the subjects that are relevant to single parent family as well. Highly recommended.
2 people found this helpful
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Dee
5.0 out of 5 stars Fabulous book, really worth investing in. Answers all ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 5, 2014
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Fabulous book, really worth investing in. Answers all of your questions, the ones you knew you had and even the ones you didn't know you had yet!
3 people found this helpful
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