I was so moved by this book that I would like to give a copy to every person I love and care about. This book is about how truly misguided the idea of "success" in our society has become. It is about choosing to make your life more meaningful and happy.
Although some reviewers refer to it as a spiritual book, it is a powerful sociological analysis of the deep-seated prejudices in our society against being "different" or "unusual". What could be more natural than a mother deciding to behave like one? Yet what is most astonishing in the story is the refusal of so many people to understand and support that decision.
I myself am a person who deeply believes in a woman's choice, and yet I remain amazed by those ignorant enough to insist that "choice" means believing in abortion-particularly with regard to disabled children. Martha Beck's "choice" was to give birth to her child. How many times have I thought to myself how lucky my husband and I were not to have known that our daughter would some day be labeled "disabled". I cannot imaging being deprived of her miraculous and deeply treasured self, simply because she has turned out to be different than our expectations. When women choose abortions, it has to do with their own lives, and needs, and resources. This book is about why that is such a wonderful way to help a child enter the world. Martha Beck made her choices understanding that she was choosing for herself, and not because the baby she was carrying met, exceeded or disappointed her own or others' expectations. She has a lesson to teach all of us-even the reader from Brooklyn so offended by the way the author uses Harvard in the book.
This story is the story of a couple, both of whom suffered from a belief that their "value" stemmed from their intelligence, their academic achievement, and their professional potential. At different points in their lives, both were forced up against the knowledge that they had been pursuing goals and lives entirely devoted to proving them worthy of being loved. These lives were called into serious question by the challenge of being faced with the birth of their second child, who would be born retarded. Although the author talks a lot about Harvard, it is not about trying to impress us with the meaning of her Harvard degrees.
For those readers who start out their lives already so wise and well-adjusted they can't imagine why kids who go to exclusive schools are sometimes so in awe of that achievement-which seems so egotistical-perhaps this book is not necessary. However, for those like the rest of us, who question the values around us, but still founder when daring to imagine things differently, the book is a godsend. Though it may come as a shock to many educationally and professionally successful people to hear that the reverse side of a high IQ is sometimes an enormous sense of self-doubt and a lack of feelings of self-worth, it is nonetheless very true. One has to be fairly driven to compete in much of today's academic and professional world-given the costs demanded as "ritual sacrifices" by the Gods of Success. And in order to ignore our natural tendencies to seek pleasure rather than pain, a certain amount of necessary approval from parents and teachers has to be made contingent on academic and professional achievement or else normal folk won't be willing to suffer the sacrifices. By allowing us to understand the Harvard environment, the author helps us to understand just how desperately she and her husband believed they had to be "successful" in that world in order to feel worthy of love.
Their lesson-part of the spiritual tale which is also a focus of the story-is that we all deserve to be loved-not for what we achieve but for who we are. This is not what they teach at Harvard-or any other academic institution of high repute, as far as I have observed. Lots of people will not need to hear that lesson-but every parent should, even if they already believe they know everything about parenting. Imagine a world in which all children were as wanted and as loved as Adam-it would be like heaven on earth.
This book is about trying to get back on track with what the most profound goals of our lives should be, and how to achieve them. Ironically, there is not as much information about having a disabled child, or about that child himself, as there is about the beauty in taking life as it comes. My mother used to say that every person wakes up every day and is forced to decide whether to see the donut or the hole. My mom always chose the donut. That was her greatest gift to me. My daughter has continued in that family tradition of giving. Reading this book, which made me weep and chuckle out loud all week on PATH trains and New York City subways--to the dismay of other passengers--, has given me a "refresher course" in why such help remains necessary. Too many people have lost touch with the real beauty in life or have lost the ability to notice simple beauty--it is a natural talent of children, and the gift that Adam brought to the Becks. Many people of course, have never had it. In a time of great "prosperity", books like this can help you to focus--or refocus--on what is most precious in our lives.
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Top reviews from other countries
S.V.G.
Funny, eye-opening and inspiring. Didn't want it to end!
Reviewed in Canada on September 1, 2022
Amparo
Absolutamente maravilloso... Creo que el mejor libro de Martha Beck
Reviewed in Spain on March 1, 2021charlottaB
A true tale of love and magic
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 5, 2018Doris
lesenswertes Buch, es ist spannend und gibt viele neue Denkanstöße
Reviewed in Germany on October 26, 2014
