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That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships Paperback – March 12, 1987
- Print length224 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBallantine Books
- Publication dateMarch 12, 1987
- Dimensions4.25 x 0.75 x 7 inches
- ISBN-100345340906
- ISBN-13978-0345340900
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Product details
- Publisher : Ballantine Books; 14th ptg. edition (March 12, 1987)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 224 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0345340906
- ISBN-13 : 978-0345340900
- Item Weight : 4 ounces
- Dimensions : 4.25 x 0.75 x 7 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #2,216,876 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #4,607 in Emotional Mental Health
- #6,522 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #10,463 in Medical General Psychology
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Deborah Tannen is the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years including eight months as #1, and has been translated into 31 languages. Her books You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation and You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives were also New York Times bestsellers. Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work was a New York Times business best seller; I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs and Kids When You're All Adults won the Books for a Better Life Award; and The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words received the Common Ground Book Award. Her most recent book is Finding My Father: His Century-Long Journey from World War I Warsaw and My Quest to Follow. She has written for and been featured in newspapers and magazines such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, USA Today, Time, and Newsweek. She appears frequently on TV and radio, including such shows as The Colbert Report, 20/20, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, and NPR's Morning Edition and All Things Considered. She is University Professor and Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University, and has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University. She lives with her husband in the Washington, D.C., area.
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Top reviews from the United States
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group I had a book for them to read. At least one took it to heart and read the book and maybe one other skimmed the book but now the meet-
ings are respectful and thoughtful most of the time. Until one learns about framing what they are saying ... confusion, hurt and angered feelings will be apart of the conversation. If you have trouble being understood, please read Deborah Tannen's book. You will never have to say, "That's Not What I Meant!"
This isn't a how to book to solve all your conversational woes. Honestly, I would never expect something so simple as a step-by-step guide for something as complex as conversation. Considering that, Deborah Tannen does an excellent job of showing just how complex a simple conversation can be and how things can go wrong despite everyone's best intentions.
This is the only one of Deborah Tannen's books that I have read. And it is the perfect mix of all relevant conversations that most people encounter in their lives. From talking with teenagers to business conversations to gripes from long-time spouses.
The result of reading this book has especially helped me feel more comfortable about my conversation skills. Before I read this book, I thought I was the only one that was no good at getting my intentions across clearly, but now that I have learned that confusion is inevitable I finally believe everyone that has said that I'm actually pretty normal and surprisingly flexible in my style (most likely because I was so hard on myself before). It also gave me some ideas on how to better get along with some of the people that I previously thought were too pushy or quiet etc.
I just finished this book for the first time(I'm planning on reading it again) and I am still absorbing much of the content. But I already feel as if I have gained a new understanding of the past misconceptions-turned-verbal-fights that I have had with friends and family. I'm planning on giving it to my parent's to read (their conversational styles are very different and they get into a lot of needless bickering matches because of it).
I think this book is a great step into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and becoming more introspective (Looking inside yourself) for the purpose of being conscious of things that are subconscious and that you take for granted.
That said, I feel like Tannen bases her theories a little too firmly on anecdotal evidence, whether those experiences be hers or her friends'/students'. In addition, her theories can be too high-level and loose. Finally, I think she could have done a better job at explaining her notions of positive and negative face, as well as how those can play out in social situations.
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It is a little annoying that the editor/author interchanges "he" and "she" to represent humanity, instead of using "them" or "they". For example, instead of saying "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. They are ....." the editor/author will say, "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. She is..." or "Sometimes teenagers feel annoyed. He is...." Really? Why not just refer to them as "they" or "them"?
I can't comment on the quality as the paper is so shoddy and the font is just urgh, it truly spoils what could be a very impactful book
Short and Crisp. Bang on to the point
If you are taking entrance exams for universities or colleges, you should read this!! Many universities such as Ritsumeikan cite the passages.
A sensitizing view on how differing conversational styles can impact our perception on relationships, people, and communication.