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You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas Hardcover – October 27, 2009

by Augusten Burroughs (Author)

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You’ve eaten too much candy at Christmas…but have you ever eaten the face off a six-footstuffed Santa? You’ve seen gingerbread houses…but have you ever made your own gingerbread tenement? You’ve woken up with a hangover…but have you ever woken up next to Kris Kringle himself? Augusten Burroughs has, and in this caustically funny, nostalgic, poignant, and moving collection he recounts Christmases past and present—as only he could. With gimleteyed wit and illuminated prose, Augusten shows how the holidays bring out the worst in us and sometimes, just sometimes, the very, very best.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Burroughs's holiday-themed memoir lacks the consistent emotional intensity of his earlier work, despite a few gems. Arranged roughly chronologically, the vignettes begin with concrete Christmas memories (preparing a detailed, multipart list of desired presents in Claus and Effect) and move toward musings on the spirit of the holiday (facing a flooded house with an atheist partner in Silent Night). While the childhood stories have Burroughs's trademark dry wit—he once gnawed the face off a life-size Saint Nick made of wax—they aren't particularly memorable. It's when he turns his attention to the less tangible essence of the holiday that the writing comes alive, especially in the final two pieces, The Best and Only Everything and Silent Night. In the former, Burroughs (Running with Scissors) remembers a long-ago Christmas spent with a former lover dying of AIDS and in the latter, which takes place a decade later, he describes dealing not only with a burst water pipe but also feeling ready to celebrate the season with a tree for the first time since the death of his old boyfriend. (Nov.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Augusten Burroughs is the author of Running with Scissors, Dry, Magical Thinking: True Stories, Possible Side Effects, and A Wolf at the Table. He is also the author of the novel Sellevision, which is currently in development for film. The film version of Running with Scissors, directed by Ryan Murphy and produced by Brad Pitt, was released in October 2006 and starred Joseph Cross, Brian Cox, Annette Bening (nominated for a Golden Globe for her role), Alec Baldwin and Evan Rachel Wood. Augusten's writing has appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers around the world including The New York Times and New York Magazine. In 2005 Entertainment Weekly named him one of “The 25 Funniest People in America.” He resides in New York City and Western Massachusetts.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

You Better Not Cry
t’s not that I was an outright nitwit of a child. IIt’s that the things even a nitwit could do with little or no instruction often confused me. Simple, everyday sorts of things tripped me up. Stacking metal chairs, for example. Everybody in class just seemed to know exactly how to fold the seat up into the back and then nest them all together like Pringles potato chips. I sat on the floor for ten minutes with one of the things as if somebody had told me to just stare at it. Concentrate hard, Augusten, try and turn it into an eggplant with your mind. You can do it! The other children appeared to be born with some sort of innate knowledge, as though the action of folding and stacking child-size metal school chairs was gene tically encoded within each of them, like fi ngernails or a sigmoid colon.
I seemed to lack the ability to comprehend the obvious. From the very beginning there had been warning signs.
Like every kid just starting school, I had to memorize the Pledge of Allegiance—something that would in many towns today be considered prayer and therefore forbidden; akin to forcing a child to drink the blood of a sacrificial goat or unfurl a Tabriz prayer rug and kneel barefoot on it while facing Mecca.
While I managed to learn the words, memorizing isn’t the same as understanding. And of course I was never tested on the meaning of the pledge. It must have simply been taken for granted that even the dimmest child would easily grasp the meaning of a phrase such as I pledge allegiance, especially when that phrase was spoken while standing at strict attention and facing the American flag, hand in a salute above the heart. There was so little room for misinterpretation. It was the Pledge of Allegiance, not Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
Still. If one of the teachers had asked me to explain the meaning of those words—which I chanted parrot- minded and smiling each morning—they certainly would have been shocked to hear me admit that while I didn’t know exactly what it was about, I knew it had something to do with Pledge, the same furniture polish my mother used and that always, inexplicably, made me feel sunny. So each morning as I spoke those hallowed words, it was the bright yellow can with the glowing lemony scent that I pictured. Excerpted from You Better Not Cry by Augusten Burroughs.
Copyright © 2009 by Island Road, LLC.
Published in November 2009 by St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction
is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or
medium must be secured from the Publisher.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ St. Martin's Press; First Edition (October 27, 2009)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0312341911
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0312341916
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.25 x 0.75 x 7.75 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,441,174 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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4.3 490 ratings

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Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs is the author of the autobiographical works "Running with Scissors," "Dry," "Magical Thinking," "Possible Side Effects" and "A Wolf at the Table," all of which were New York Times bestsellers. "Running with Scissors" remained on the New York Times bestseller list for over two consecutive years and was made into a Golden Globe-nominated film starring Annette Bening. His only novel, "Sellevision," is currently in development as a series for NBC. "Dry," Augusten's memoir of his alcoholism and recovery, is being developed by Showtime. In addition, Burroughs is currently creating an original prime-time series for CBS. Augusten's latest book is called "You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas."

Twice named to Entertainment Weekly's list of the funniest people in America, Augusten has also been the subject of a Vanity Fair cover story and a Jeopardy! answer. His books have made guest appearances in two James Patterson novels, one Linkin Park music video, numerous television shows and a porn movie.

Augusten has been a photographer since childhood and many of his images can be seen on his website, www.augusten.com. He lives in New York City.

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ReadingisFun

The Spirit of Christmas is revealed in this entertaining book.

Reviewed in the United States on December 29, 2017

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Loved this book. I saw a side to Augusten that he had not revealed before in his other books, a very tender, grateful side. He says he is an atheist but he recognizes love when he experiences it in his friend Carleen. God is love. As usual, his descriptive phrases put you right there in the middle of the action. Augusten, if you're reading this, I can answer your question. No, it is not too late for you to become a Christian, not until that !ast breath is drawn. Thank you for entertaining me with your writing during this 2017 Christmas season. I look forward to reading your next new book. I think I've read all the current ones.

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Donna Hill

I Didn't Cry But It Was Good!

Reviewed in the United States on December 18, 2011

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I didn't know whether Burroughs was going to disappoint me this time. He has made me laugh and cry in the past but I don't consistently love every word that comes from this author's pen.

I will say that I didn't laugh or cry although I did get a little misty on the last page. As usual, I was fascinated by Burroughs' stories. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a talented writer and as has happened before with Burroughs' books, I read this in one sitting.

These aren't the kind of stories that are going to give you a warm fuzzy feeling about Christmas, but they might stay with you longer than more traditional heartwarming Christmas stories. They speak of the human condition--failed dreams, terminal illness, and lonely times. There is nothing like Christmas to make people who are alone, temporarily or permanently, to feel even more isolated, courtesy of the canned Christmas music everywhere.

But there is love here--amazing, breathtaking love. I found these stories to be bittersweet. Burroughs does bittersweet very well.

One person found this helpful

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B

Probably my favorite of his books

Reviewed in the United States on October 29, 2011

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I have read most of his books so far and loved them all, but this one is different in that it shows a less cynical than usual, gentler side of the author. A few of the tales are so heartfelt and tender that they turned me into a sobbing mess. I would highly recommend it.

I disagree with the comparisons to Sedaris that other reviewers have made. I think Burroughs has much more depth and emotional range, compared to Sedaris' lighter fare (and David Rakoff's, for that matter). In my opinion, nothing Sedaris has done can compare in sheer emotional emotional impact to the author's story about George in this volume (and a couple others as well), or to the absolutely heartrending story about the posthumous piece of jewelry in his book Dry.

6 people found this helpful

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Meaghan Aiello

So-So, Worth Reading

Reviewed in the United States on December 11, 2009

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If this book had been written by many other authors, it would be golden. However, since it comes from Augusten Burroughs - whose previous books have been irreverent and brilliant - it pales a bit in comparison. Part of the reason for my disappointment probably has to do with the fact that I'd waited so anxiously for this book; I built it up, and it didn't live up to my expectations. However, the fact is that many of the stories within it just don't ring true in the way that Augusten's tales usually do. Much of it seemed rather forced, rather than just being naturally funny.

The subtle blending of humor, wit and brutal honesty, which normally happens so seamlessly with Augusten's books, doesn't happen that much in these stories. As someone else noted, it almost feels as if Augusten had been reading or listening to a lot of David Sedaris while writing these stories.

My relative disappointment in this book in no way lessens my esteem for Augusten or for his incredible talent. I definitely don't regret purchasing or reading this book. Any fan of Augusten's should pick it up and read it. The stories about George and Dennis are definite highlights. As always, Augusten is at his best when writing about disaster and redemption.

One person found this helpful

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Jeffrey Arndt

Great stories, great writing

Reviewed in the United States on December 15, 2009

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I've been doing a fair amount of holiday-based reading. When I picked this one up, the first thing that struck me was the quality of the writing itself. Burroughs has wonderful stoires to share and he shares them in beautiful language. The stories themselves run the gamut -- humor, love, sadness, forgiveness, the essentials of all his works. I have never read a description of being in love like you'll find in this book. You better run out and grab this one!

4 people found this helpful

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Kelsey May Dangelo

literally, couldn't put it down.

Reviewed in the United States on January 2, 2010

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Augusten Burroughs loves Christmas, but it doesn't seem to love him back. This collection of darkly humorous, real, and yet beautiful memoir stories details various Christmases, from eating the face off a life-sized Jesus/Santa to Christmas with the homeless, from dealing with a one-night-stand with a French Santa to a flooded house. I read it in one day, couldn't put it down. Definitely deserves a place on the shelf with holiday essays of Laurie Notaro and David Sedaris. It will truly put you in a holiday mood by putting it all into perspective. Grade: A

One person found this helpful

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Fred

Fascinating account of Christmas

Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2009

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Not at all what I expected to read ---. I had not known the author and had not realized he was gay. That didn't change my mind though as I read; it was truly fun and sad at the same time. I believe the hour you spend with this book will not be wasted --- obviously, it's heartfelt and I got a sense that Christmas was longed for, as it should be. The childhood glimpses were tough, sad and tragic. The flood was also extremely sad but brought the whole Christmas theme to light. Thank you

4 people found this helpful

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Stacy Bueno

Better not cry & start laughing.

Reviewed in the United States on January 5, 2017

Verified Purchase

Augusten Burroughs has out done himself yet again. With every book of his I read (4 down) I keep wondering just when will I be disappointed & actually find myself hesitating to purchase another to "leave on a hight note). I've read Dry, running with scissors and possible side effects and better not cry is easily my first or second favorite, still trying to decide. this book is cleverly written and will keep you engaged until the end. Be prepared to laugh a lot from the very beginning.

One person found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

HEWS

Im a fan of Augusten Burroughs...

Reviewed in Canada on October 27, 2013

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Great style of writing...enjoy all his books! Hard to believe his past was as odd as he portrays, but it is definitely who he is. It is threaded through all his books.

millie

very good

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 4, 2013

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very very good can not thing off any think more to say than good or brilliant enjoyed it very much

Cinda

Wasn't my fave

Reviewed in Canada on February 14, 2014

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As far as Augusten Burroughs books go this was my least favourite. It did not help that the book I ordered was pretty small so it was also annoying to read, but I suppose that bit was my fault. The stories just aren't as good as his past books in my opinion. I probably wouldn't recommend the book to a friend.

Amazon Customer

Five Stars

Reviewed in Canada on December 7, 2017

Verified Purchase

Book was in perfect condition

Amazon Customer

Disappointing

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 23, 2018

Verified Purchase

Disappointed. Not like his other books which I have loved.

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